• Maslow's hierarchy of Robot Needs: http://www.flickr.com/photos/lunchbreath/4856253668/ #
• SHAQ SIGNED WITH THE CELTICS WTF #
• WORST FATHER EVER steals his kid's game console and pawns it: http://bit.ly/9LaG9p #
• It's official; I can never watch anything with a laugh track ever again. #
• WHY DID THE HEATER KICK ON IT'S AUGUST GOD I MISS L.A. #
• @Schwarzenegger I loved your #Expendables cameo! Wish you could have had a bigger part! #

I’d go into a more lengthy explanation, but this summarizes the movie pretty well:

1. Hold up all of your fingers
2. Pretend your fingers are penises
3. Wiggle the fingers on your left hand at the fingers on your right hand and say in a very gruff voice, “FUCK YOU”
4. Then wiggle the fingers on your right hand at the fingers on your left hand and say in an even gruffer voice, “FUCK YOU”
5. Clap your hands together while making explosion noises for an hour
6. Then high five yourself and shout, “THE END!”

In other words, this movie was awesome.

To: coworkers@myjob.com

Today I will be heading a field trip to see the Expendables. Please come along if you are even 1% as excited about this film as I am. How to join in:

1. Buy your tickets for the 4:45 show online
2. We’re all leaving the office at about 4:00
3. Your face may be melted by viewing this film. Please dress accordingly.

I was cleaning out my blog post drafts and found this. I offer no explanation or apology.

As the Afternoon grew late
With golden slanting sunlight –
A Birdie shat upon my Pate –
O death of day’s delight!

I do not Blame the little Bird
Nor question in great furor –
For dropping on my Head that Turd
Forever linked me to her!

We’ve all seen the OldSpice ads that satirize/glorify/both over-the-top marketing to heterosexual males, which made me wonder “what do marketing people think dudes want?” For research purposes, I stole this body wash from my boyfriend’s shower supply and had a look. Let’s see why Dial For Men is for men.

1. Container resembles bottle of motor oil
2. Logo looks like sniper scope
3. Name of product sounds like film starring Dolph Lundgren
4. Contains exact same soap product as female body wash, but smells like toilet cleaner so will never be mistaken for female body wash, because being female is a bad thing.
5. Product description must include “Ultimate” “Xtreme” or “Technology”
6. Color scheme is hideous yet vaguely reminiscent of hot rod
7. 16 oz — the same amount as a pint of beer!
8. Makes taking a shower sound like going to the moon

The back of the label is the best. This product promises that it “Removes odors and cleans deeply,” which is good because every man is a lumberjack and will need something nearly as powerful as dynamite to blast away the mud that cakes his form in Schwarzenegger-type glory, allowing him access to his manly beard which he shall beat down using a chainsaw and a belt sander before the overwhelming scent of his own testosterone turns every lesbian straight. And there is also a poetic side: a lengthy allegory using language of power tools reads “Non-Drying Formula engineered with the right balance of skin conditioners.” And that does not, under any circumstances, mean “moisturizer.”

Literally nowhere else in this universe is something specified to be “for men” unless it’s a product traditionally marketed to women. Clearly, it’s very important that men know just how important it is to wash away the dirt with a rich lather bearing the rugged and unforgiving scent of toilet water. After all, enjoying a sudsy experience is for girls and sissies.