Note 1: 2011 was totally sequelholic. Not cool. Seriously, Hollywood, there are tons of fresh ideas out there. Use some of them.

Note 2: Despite that, there were some really good flicks last year.

Note 3: Despite that, some unbelievably poopy movies came out too.

The Way Back
Implausible: A movie conveys just how awful Gulags actually were.
Plausible: Colin Farrell is nuts.

Limitless
Implausible: A drug that makes you think you are awesome and it isn’t cocaine.
Plausible: Bradley Cooper as an uninteresting douche.

Paul
Implausible: An alien from another galaxy whose biology enables him to enjoy pot.
Plausible: Sigourney Weaver kicking the shit out of Simon Pegg.

Sucker Punch
Implausible: The average moviegoing demographic appreciates how mind-blowingly awesome this movie is.
Plausible: Robert Rodriguez creates the first feminist rock anthem of the 21st century.

The King’s Speech
Implausible: A British monarch as good looking as Colin Firth.
Plausible: Geoffrey Rush is made of awesome.

Scream 4
Implausible: This franchise is still relevant.
Plausible: Nobody noticed that this movie came out.

Thor
Implausible: Kenneth Branagh can direct action sequences.
Plausible: Chris Hemsworth didn’t spend enough time with his shirt off.

X-Men First Class
Implausible: Michael Fassbender was actually in such a stupid movie.
Plausible: This movie was as awkward as watching Ewan McGregor impersonate Obi-Wan times 10.

Transformers – Dark of the Moon
Implausible: A Transformers movie was made that I didn’t want to see.
Plausible: Michael Bay might have ruined my childhood even more than George Lucas.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
Implausible: A movie with bigger fan service has been made.
Plausible: This was an unnecessary sequel to what should have been just one film for book seven.

Cowboys and Aliens
Implausible: Cowboys would have actually beat Aliens.
Plausible: This movie is so awesome you just don’t care about the implausibility of it all.

Real Steel
Implausible: This movie could have had any sort of plot at all.
Plausible: Everyone saw the trailer and so didn’t need to see the movie.

Footloose
Implausible: That there was any reason to remake the original.
Plausible: That the studio was looking for a quick cash in on nostalgia.

Twilight – Breaking Dawn Part 1
Implausible: That somebody decided this movie should have ended with a dude noming on his dead wife after she gave birth.
Plausible: There are a lot of dumb chicks out there with disposable income.

Mission Impossible – Ghost Protocol
Implausible: That moviegoers have forgiven Tom Cruise for being bonkers.
Plausible: That awesome stunts and special effects can make moviegoers forgive Tom Cruise for being bonkers.

I got my niece a Doctor’s kit for Christmas, including a lab coat, a real stethoscope, and of course, gobs and gobs of Unicorn band-aids. Naturally, I received this e-mail:

Subject: How I start my morning
Date: January 10, 2012 9:15:34 AM PST

Lily gives me a check up every day which means I end up covered in unicorn bandaids by the end of the day.

WIN.

Next year: a brain surgery kit.

Earl Grey and porridge made from the leftover grains of the IPA I brewed last night. Om nom nom!

• @JTMcGillicuddy What do you think I held instead of the Rock Band microphone? CANT RE-YEEED MAH PO-KER FAAAAACE in reply to JTMcGillicuddy #
• @JTMcGillicuddy fold 'em let it hit me raise it baby stay with me I LOVE IT in reply to JTMcGillicuddy #
• Getting motivated to clean the house with a cuppa tea and my @RLeeErmey smartphone app #TIDYUPNUMBNUTS #
• @EnglishMossop maybe if they used a #recommendation hashtag?? in reply to EnglishMossop #
• I heart my husband oodles and oodles #
• @EnglishMossop OMG I HAS A PONY in reply to EnglishMossop #
• I found someone much cooler than Santa Claus: http://t.co/HkOCs0Xx #
• Having trouble understanding why Belarus would put such bizarre isolationist restrictions on the internet http://t.co/wpgVYgRn #
• How to lose a day: Have massive allergy attack, take tons of benadryl, sleep on couch #
• Today so far: Bank error sucked two grand into a digital black hole, cat puked on carpet. During the chaos my tea went cold. FML. #
• Vomit cleared away. Plea for help sent to bank. Fresh cup of hot tea. Deep breath. #
• The Canada Party announces its candidacy for POTUS http://t.co/kmU5qSxz #
• The church of File Sharing is born http://t.co/xwZnFwHd #
• RT @ChurchofBeer: Lo! All worshipers of beer shouldst support the divine California Growler Initiative! http://t.co/JsMe2fW5 #
• Dear Customer Who Stuck Up for His Little Brother http://t.co/yb8oyUqg #
• @Sharris76 Seriously! Awesome story about an awesome big brother. in reply to Sharris76 #

I don’t believe in making New Year’s Resolutions. Studying history makes you a bit of a cynic, especially about allegedly fixed traditions. People get all hung up on numerology, and all I can do is hang my head and giggle when people get all worked up about a holiday established by the Roman Senate in 42 BC to deify Julius Caesar because they all felt an eensy bit bad about stabbing him to death. Yes, that’s right. New Year’s Day is Julius Caesar is a God Day. Due to Catholicism co-opting the corporate structure of Rome, this holiday started to creep into Europe, despite more natural New Year’s Days coinciding with the fall harvest, as it does on the Hebrew and Celtic Calendars, or with the spring planting, as it did for the English until they fell in line with Rome in the 1700′s. Very few cultures have been smart enough to use a solstice as New Year, which makes the most sense to me. Don’t even get me started on people silly enough to use a lunar calendar, which is utterly useless in reliably tracking the orbit of earth and the effect it has on our seasons.

So yes, I’m a New Year’s cynic. I don’t make resolutions because I feel that if I really wanted to do something, I wouldn’t wait for some arbitrary confluence of solar revolution coinciding with the anniversary of a dictator’s election to godhood. If I really want to make a change in my life, I do it now. I don’t need a new year to make a new start. Choosing New Year’s Day for a big change is a psychological non sequitur, which is why seventy eight percent of you will fail.

Aww, did I bum you out? I’m not sorry. This is to help you realize that change doesn’t come with the calendar. It comes with commitment. I could have explained all this to you, my dear readers, on New Year’s Day, but that would have been mean because it would have sucked all of your false hope out of your resolutions. But I’m not nasty. One day was enough time to let you live with the fantasy. But really, did you expect to quit smoking or lose weight when you were stuffing your face with cigarettes or cookies right up until midnight on New Year’s Eve, putting off change until your resolution kicks in like a magic spell?

Reality can be a bummer, but isn’t it better than the fantasy? Isn’t it more empowering to know that you don’t need some dumb day to be the person you want to be? Just do it, dude! Be all you can be, and all that. And be it now. Don’t wait.