I found them under the guest bed. I don’t know how they got there and nobody will fess up to owning them. So I’m putting them on the Internet. Perhaps somewhere, out there, somebody can explain how a wormhole opened and magically connected my spare room with your laundry hamper.

So please, tell me. Are these your underpants?

Oh, and you left this sock too.

Why did Captain Picard always say “Earl Grey, Hot”?

He never said “Earl Grey, Extra Hot” or “Earl Grey, Lukewarm”. So why does he have to say “Earl Grey, Hot?” He always orders exactly the same tea at exactly the same temperature. Why bother with specifics every time he wants a cuppa?

I mean, he’s the captain of the friggin’ ship. Can’t he program his food synthesizer with presets so that his Earl Grey is always hot? Or if he doesn’t understand how the damn thing works, isn’t there some Yeoman in a tight spandex jumpsuit to do it for him? Clearly at some point he had to specify the exact temperature of “hot” because I don’t believe that term shows up on the thermometer between 60 and 70 degrees centigrade. Come to think of it, why wouldn’t you want your tea to be hot?

IF CAPTAIN PICARD HAD TO PRESET HIS FOOD SYNTHESIZER SO THAT “HOT” MEANT SOMETHING, WHY COULDN’T HE JUST PROGRAM IT TO UNDERSTAND THAT “TEA” MEANS EARL GREY AT 65 DEGREES CELSIUS??!!1!!111??!//!??

I am not kidding.

I don’t get why Rush is such a big deal. Everybody is freaking out like OMG RUSH CONCERT NEED MOAR TIX.

Really. I don’t understand. I’ve heard their music. It’s okay.

If you can explain to me why Rush is a big deal in words that I understand, I will make you a t-shirt that says “Jeenius.”

The Knights Templar began as a religious order dedicated to guarding pilgrims on the road to Jerusalem after it had been captured in the crusades. Over the course of a few hundred years they became the world’s first multinational corporation and bank. They invented the ATM card, allowing customers to deposit funds in one bank, receive transfer papers, and withdraw cash from another Templar bank. It made traveling for rich people a lot safer, and it made the Knights Templar insanely powerful.

The Pope and King Philip of France became insanely jealous, and so concocted a ridiculous fairy tale of Satan worship, sodomy, and whatever nastiness was needed to execute every last templar and (ahem) steal righteously appropriate the order’s assets. Those who gave critical support to the coup against the Templar order conveniently were also promised a slice of the pie and on Friday the 13th, 1307, Philip rounded up as many Templars as he could for swift torture, execution, and purse-emptying. (And you thought IRS audits were bad.)

That’s right, kids. The source of all of our Friday the 13th superstition is merely the result of a medieval hostile takeover.

Why am I telling you all this? Because I have never believed in superstitious rubbish about numerology or luck or fate or anything else that claims correlation is causation.

Until now.

I went to go see Thor on Friday night (yes, Friday the 13th) and it was absolute crap. I was so angry and disappointed that only now can I list what was bad and good about this flick.

Bad:

• The CG looked more awful than anything George Lucas did in the Star Wars prequels, which may actually count as an achievement as considerable effort would be required to make something worse.
• There was nothing in the film that passed as an action sequence. When a film is based on an action comic, this is generally considered a bad move.
• Natalie Portman managed to play an empty-headed female love interest that was even more useless to the plot than Padmé Amidala
• While we’re on the subject of Natalie Portman, it is an astoundingly improbable phenomenon that she managed to have even less chemistry with Chris Hemsworth than she did with Hayden Christensen
• Kenneth Branagh strayed from the realm of directing himself in an ego-massaging lead role in a film with scenes that are never more complicated than three people sitting in a room spouting poetry at one another.

Good:

• The 3.45 seconds that Chris Hemsworth did not have a shirt on

If this doesn’t make me believe in Friday the Thirteenth, nothing will.