No, if you take interest in teh cyber buttsecks, especially teh interspecies homo cyber buttsecks, then Mass Effect 3 is the game to protest. Or really, really enjoy. I don’t really feel that the character I play is a personal reflection of me; it’s a character. Likewise, the NPCs in a game that I choose to like are based on how I feel about the character. But that doesn’t make it any less engaging to be involved in the decisions that shape the story. I’ve gotten to play through many times, each time with a different spin, and that keeps it fun.

In Mass Effect 1, my dating options led me inevitably to Liara. I couldn’t not date, after all. You get an achievement for it. While of course I enjoyed my hookup with an Asari Consort — think Inara from Firefly, except, like, blue — I had to choose a workplace romance. Ashley Williams was a petty bitch with a chip on her shoulder. When it came time to choose who to sacrifice in an important battle — Ashley or Kaidan — my choice was easy. Buh-bye, Ashley. No more catty remarks about other chicks on the crew. Not that Kaidan was much better. He whined a lot. Comparing those two to the brilliant, intelligent, and oh-so-handy in a firefight Liara T’Soni was a joke. It was Liara for me.

Mass Effect 2 had similar problems as far as choice. I never played through as a male Commander Shepard, but I don’t think I would have pursued romance with any of the chicks on board. Miranda is hot but snotty. Jack goes topless but is completely bananas. Tali has an awesome personality, but given that she’s hermetically sealed in an impenetrable spacesuit I really don’t see the point in going steady. As a female Shepard, I played through three times. Once I went for Garrus. Awk-waaaard. Garrus is my BFF. My platonic Turian lifemate. It’s just not right to go there with him. A second time I went for Thane Krios, which I have to say was the most interesting and satisfying romance story line in the game. During my third playthrough to receive that oh-so-coveted achievement for being insane enough to play on Insanity Mode, I stayed faithful to Liara because I’d really like to see how the story ends if you’ve been true to her through all three games. A caveat, though: until I purchased the expansion pack that added a quest line with Liara, her indifference to Shepard in the main story just about made me break up with her for good.

I’ve gotten hints of who my sexytime options are in Mass Effect 3. Kaidan seems to be sporting an upgraded set of pecs, but he’s still boring. Meh. There’s also this jackhole who lives in the basement of my spaceship, apparently because he got kicked off the cast of Jersey Shore and nowhere else on earth would take him. He does lots of chin-ups and ogles women’s bodies. Douche. I also think that my secretary has the hots for me, but I was never into that whole Yeoman Rand/Miss Moneypenny thing. Also, HR violation. Srsly.

No, for me it’s always been Liara. She’s smart, she’s sexy, and she is one helluva fighter. And even better, there are hints of romance blossoming for others here and there. Poor ol’ Admiral Anderson seems to have a sexy schoolmarm with the hots for him. Even more fun is getting to be the wingman of an awesome smart artificial intelligence, EDI, who has worked digitally with my pilot Joker for years and now finally has a smokin’ hot robot body to date him with. They’ve connected intellectually for so long and really have a solid partnership of trust. But she needs a little help on courting her man, and I’m happy to help. So long as Joker doesn’t ruin it by being a massive twat, I hope they get it on with rockin’ robosex. In this dark universe where we face the extinction of all sentient life, a little love goes a long way. I don’t mind being the captain of the Love Boat as long as I’ve got my girlfriend Liara and my BFF Garrus by my side as we unleash digital hell on intergalactic bad guys.

• Awesome graphics
• Gorgeous attention to detail in textures and shading
• Good character development
• No wasting time with boring lengthy cutscenes
• Hunt for Joker trophies is less stupid this time
• The more open world format makes the game less linear and more fun

Things I did not expect:

• Lots and lots of sexist language (so far every female character has been referred to as a bitch and/or had her attractiveness and intelligence rated by male characters)
• Prisoners telling Bruce Wayne they intend to rape him
• Harley Quinn telling Batman that Joker is too busy masturbating to come talk to him
• Thugs joking frat-boy style that Catwoman is bisexual
• Lots of swearing, which is out of character for a Batman game
• Alfred is back in the same old personality-free British stereotype. Boooo-ring.
• The absence of Oracle as an awesome female character

Jeez, DC. I wanted you to take the story and excitement up a notch. Was the team behind this game spending too many of their evenings watching online porn? The visual setting of the game makes it gritty enough. For the Batman franchise, topping the awesome gameplay experience that was Arkham Asylum didn’t require sexual violence, denigrating women, and pointless profanity. Here’s hoping it improves.

So enjoy the party, Champions players. Go pound some bad guy face for me over the weekend.

GameStop Drone: Hello?

Me: Is this GameStop?

GameStop Drone: Oh, yeah. Thank you for calling GameStop –

Me: Yeah, thanks. Do you have a power source for an XBox 360?

GameStop Drone: A what?

Me: A power source for an XBox 360?

GameStop Drone: . . . uhh . . .

Me: A power cable that goes from the 360 and connects to the socket in the wall so that electricity can go to it.

GameStop Drone: Oh . . . I dunno. Let me ask.

Me: Okay thanks.

Four minutes and thirty-seven seconds elapse

GameStop Drone: Hello thank you for calling GameStop –

Me: Yes, I was on hold.

GameStop Drone: Oh yeah. Sorry. We don’t have it.

Me: Okay do you know where I could find one?

GameStop Drone: Yeah we don’t have any here.

Me: Yes, but is there another nearby location I could go to where I can find what I’m looking for?

GameStop Drone: Probably. Ummmm . . . try . . . like . . . probably . . . Best Buy?

Me: Thank you.

As anti megacorporation as I am, there is something to be said for companies with competent employees being more likely to gain my business. Attention GameStop: please stop sending your HR people to recruit directly off the short bus. I am sick and tired of the retards behind your desks not having a clue about the most basic aspects of gaming, electronics, and verbal communication. You may think you’re saving money by being able to hire incompetent mouth breathers at the lowest wage possible, but I guarantee you’re losing money not only due to customer service fail but also due to inventory damaged by all the saliva your employees drool out onto the electronics while restocking.

Epilogue: Play N’ Trade has highly competent worker drones. Suck my anterior piston, GameStop.