Why did Captain Picard always say “Earl Grey, Hot”?

He never said “Earl Grey, Extra Hot” or “Earl Grey, Lukewarm”. So why does he have to say “Earl Grey, Hot?” He always orders exactly the same tea at exactly the same temperature. Why bother with specifics every time he wants a cuppa?

I mean, he’s the captain of the friggin’ ship. Can’t he program his food synthesizer with presets so that his Earl Grey is always hot? Or if he doesn’t understand how the damn thing works, isn’t there some Yeoman in a tight spandex jumpsuit to do it for him? Clearly at some point he had to specify the exact temperature of “hot” because I don’t believe that term shows up on the thermometer between 60 and 70 degrees centigrade. Come to think of it, why wouldn’t you want your tea to be hot?

IF CAPTAIN PICARD HAD TO PRESET HIS FOOD SYNTHESIZER SO THAT “HOT” MEANT SOMETHING, WHY COULDN’T HE JUST PROGRAM IT TO UNDERSTAND THAT “TEA” MEANS EARL GREY AT 65 DEGREES CELSIUS??!!1!!111??!//!??

First off: dress. Wear a nice hat. This shows respect for the host. It can range from fabulously feathered froofiness to a simple yet sassy cap, but no matter what, take advantage of the tea party as an opportunity to kick it up a notch fashion-wise. Some people just don’t get it, like this guy:

Do not show up at a tea party dressed like a pirate.
Even Captain Hook would agree it’s bad form.

Second: location. You don’t have to be Emily Post to know that you can’t have a tea party if you’re stomping around in the middle of the street. Also, holding a sign makes it totally difficult to pass the sugar. You will spill your tea, and the jam won’t stay on your scone. It’s okay to have a tea party outdoors, but you really need to sit down at a table.

Third: guest list. The tea parties they keep showing on TV have way too many people at them. Intimate conversation is kind of difficult when a few thousand people are all trying to squeeze into the same party. Less is more, dudes. Plus, it looks like some people are all sour grapes over not being invited, so they’re sneaking into the tea parties and acting like asshats. Limiting your guest list = easier to spot crashers.

Four: anger. You can totally be the kind of person who is super opinionated and get all angry because someone is wrong on the Internet, but when you go to a tea party, you are supposed to be nice and only talk about how tasty the snacks are. But all these fakey tea parties are full of angry people. Seriously, folks, if you can’t say something nice, fill your mouth with blueberry bread.

Fifth (and biggest) problem: I don’t see tea anywhere. No tea, no scones, no jam, no cucumber sandwiches, no petit fours. WTF, guys? Lots of people are walking around with tea bags, which is a sad reflection on Americans’ understanding of how to make a nice cup of tea. Like, check out this chick:

Tea goes into pots of boiling water,
NOT on hats made from the dead carcasses of Muppets.

Educate yourself. It isn’t hard to make tea, and nothing cures anger like a nice currant scone slathered in clotted cream and strawberry jam.

There were no seats left, so I went and got a cup of tea. I returned to the gate and found a seat, fired up my Mac, and discovered that my copy of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy was still in the DVD drive.

Ahh. Serenity.