This morning I ran metrics on my blog. WHY are so many of you guys still using IE6? I mean, I’m happy enough to see that Firefox 3 is the #2 browser for my visitors, but if it’s gonna be beaten out by IE, can’t it at least not be by the super crappy version? I’m no fan of IE8, but at least it’s presentable.

What is it with you users? Don’t you like yourselves? Don’t you want to show up looking your best? When you show up at my blog wearing IE6, it’s like arriving to pick up your Friday night date . . . on a tricycle. It’s like going to the prom . . . in a track suit. It’s like saying you have this awesome Darth Vader getup . . . and it’s the polyester kiddie costume from Target. Like a bad pickup line at a bar or seriously stinky breath, it instantly gives a bad impression.

You look like a big bunch of dorks. I understand that dressing badly is a chronic affliction for cybergeeks, but my toleration of bad fashion only extends to clothing. I hold your browser to a higher standard. IE6 is soooooo last century. So let’s play a little game of What Not To Digitally Wear and toss that rickety old piece of junk. It’s got holes in it and it smells like old cheese. Just like your mother made you get rid of that beloved Boba Fett shirt after it saw you through puberty, I’d like to take you by the hand and say, “Let’s go shopping for something new.”

And come to think of it, I need to take you nerds using Firefox 3 to task as well. Why haven’t you gotten Firefox 3.5? Huh? Don’t you want to be cool?

Not all sites track data, but most do in some form. Measuring web traffic is critical from the bandwidth and billing side of the Web, and it’s also important for people running sites to know who’s visiting and why. Before this creeps the lay Web user out too much, think of it this way: when you walk into a department store, you hear a “ding dong” as an electronic counter logs your presence. Shopkeepers want to know which are the busy days, or if changing a window display encouraged more purchases. That’s helpful data that helps the show owner and the customer get what they want.

Likewise, when your IP address is logged and tracked, it’s usually not because anybody cares at all about who you are on a personal level. But Amazon wants to know which page layout sells you things more efficiently, and the DMV wants to know the best ways to make useful information inaccessible. Bloggers want to know how to ban spammers peddling fake Viagra and Xanax.

So there’s no cause for paranoia, but be aware when you surf. I can see you. Yes, you. Luckily for you, I don’t pay any attention to metrics unless I find something unusual, malicious, or inappropriate going on. This is a tiny little site on the geeky outer rim of the blogosphere. But that don’t mean there ain’t riff-raff who ain’t welcome here, and I’m not above banning IP addresses if it’s warranted. Most web users are responsible and conscientious, so you’re just another ding-dong as far as I’m concerned. Wait, that came out wrong.

The point is that there’s still a long way to go for the general public in understanding that the Web is a dynamic, two-way, interactive portal, not some kind of static source of pages that are simply read and not responded to. Some people want to exist in the online realm with utter privacy, but this just can’t be. Not only is it technically impossible, but it’s not desirable. Total anonymity also means total lack of responsibility.

The price of entering a public realm such as a city sidewalk is that people can see what you do. The Internet is no different. But before that creeps you out or ruffles your feathers, realize that nobody is going to care as long as you’re behaving yourself. In a public shop, you don’t bother paying attention to the person next to you, unless they happen to be buying a particularly egregious blouse, carrying a screaming brat, or shoplifting. The Internet is no different; it’s merely another realm of the public sphere. So mind your manners, and don’t be surprised when you leave footprints along the path you walk.

It’s not that you can’t find any funny music on there. But you won’t see it cataloged as such. It will usually be noted for its dense lyrics or upbeat rhythm, but humorous phrases or goofy musicality aren’t factored in. I became aware of this problem when I sent in an e-mail suggesting the Poxy Boggards and Merry Wives of Windsor as bands that should be added to the Pandora arsenal. Besides being solid musical acts, they’re a vibrant part of the Southern California folk music scene and have some songs that are funny as hell right along with straightforward traditional numbers.

I received a response promptly that explained that funny songs, those by Weird Al for example, weren’t considered part of the music genome project, because they contained elements of satire and humor. Which seemed bizarre to me. Correct me if I’m wrong, but Shakespeare was as well known for his comedies as his tragedies. Slightly annoyed, I went to read their statement of purpose, snippets of which read:

It’s not about what a band looks like, or what genre they supposedly belong to, or about who buys their records – it’s about what each individual song sounds like . . . we’ve carefully listened to the songs of tens of thousands of different artists – ranging from popular to obscure – and analyzed the musical qualities of each song one attribute at a time . . . This work continues each and every day as we endeavor to include all the great new stuff coming out of studios, clubs and garages around the world . . . now that we’ve created this extraordinary collection of music analysis, we think we can help be your guide as you explore your favorite parts of the music universe.

Well, my favorite part is where the funny lives. Why can’t I explore that? This is really part of a much larger problem of snobbery against humor within the educated ranks. For some reason, “cultivated” got associated with “serious” at some point. If you’re inside the circle of wine glass sniffers, the term is connoisseur. I just call them snobs. To quote the movie adaptation of High Fidelity:

Now, Pandora isn’t quite that bad. They were polite to me in the e-mail, but they did kick poor old Weird Al to the curb as if he weren’t no thang. And indirectly, they disrespected my preference for funny music by saying it wasn’t worth cataloging. To see if I could spite them, I tried to build a Pandora station of funny music only. The system couldn’t seem to figure out what I was doing, and kept suggesting songs that were nothing like what I was looking for. Ignoring the entire genre of comedy is a disservice to academic study of art, and putting limitations on the user experience will only drive people to other sites that allow them more freedom of choice.

Put down your swirling glasses of pinot noir, Pandora. Learn to crack open a beer and crack a smile once in a while. That’s the whole reason we started making music in the first place.

For example, Windows 98 was so bad that Trey Parker and Matt Stone went completely out of the plot’s way in South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut to shoot Bill Gates in the head for it. It’s a shame the movie didn’t come out during the release of Windows ME or Vista, because something tells me the second and third offenses would have warranted a more horrible form of death when the general cries out “You told us it would be faster!” and all Gates responds with is a mealy-mouthed “It is faster!”

Thank goodness XP came around. When this OS arrived, people’s criticism went off the technology as a whole and tended to focus more on issues of software or ethics — the insecurity and inefficiency of Internet Explorer, monopolistic business practices, and so on. It proved a stable OS that is user friendly and more or less idiot proof. With everyone switching to Firefox and governments finally cracking down and slapping some fines on the big bad msft, the pecadillioes were overlooked by the general public.

But then . . . looming on the horizon . . . there it was. Vista. With a distracting color scheme, more annoying autofeatures than MS Word, and a crash magnitude that puts Bruckheimer to shame, the disasters that were Windows ME and Windows 98 were swept aside like mosquitoes in a hurricane. Gamers in particular hate it, as it’s more bloated than a sorority house with PMS and just as much fun to play with.

XP was like a hot girlfriend who liked sports and didn’t care if you wanted to go drinking with your buddies once in a while. Agile, flexible, and adaptable, it’s still relevant and serviceable after seven years, something few guys can say about most of their girlfriends. But now Microsoft wants to force us to break up with XP when they stop selling it in June. Instead they want us to start going out with Vista, XP’s fatter, uglier, bitchier sister.

Why couldn’t have you remembered that if it ain’t broke, you don’t need to fix it, Microsoft? Vista sucks rocks so hard that users are begging Microsoft not to retire it before the next version of the Windows OS appears sometime in 2010. We were passed a note in class from Vista that said “Will you go out with me? Check Yes or Yes.” I crumpled mine up and threw it in the trash, holding tight to XP. I love you, baby. I won’t dump you until you really deserve it.

My thought? If you’re in the market for a PC, buy or build a serviceable machine with the minimal level of horsepower that you’ll need for the next two years. Then pick up a copy of XP, install it, and avoid Vista until something else arrives. Because whatever it is, it has to be better.