Cutscene: Ezio tries to turn on the charm to a hot babe, only to be told that he’s “adorable” and reminds the girl of her grandpa.
Race: Try to win a rooftop race at night without having to stop every five minutes to pee.
Side quest: Tell those darn kids to get off Ezio’s rooftop.
Handicap: If Ezio climbs for more than a certain number of seconds, his arthritis acts up and he must descend to spend the next 15 minutes complaining to the apothecary about his medical issues.
Sidequest: Ditch the horde of women chasing after you with their lawyers attempting to press paternity suits.
Unlockable Item: A utility belt that also provides good lumbar support.
Side Battle: Beat up a young whippersnapper for making fun of guys who used to have to fight without explosives.
Cutscene: Ezio walks around town smiling and waltzing with hot babes after getting a little blue flask from the apothecary.

In the 1600′s, Americans with very bad fake Scottish and French accents make each other angry. The fake Frenchie clamps a red hot iron hockey mask on the fake Scot, who for inexplicable reasons has an Irish surname (McCullen).

Four centuries later, McCullen’s descendant has honed his skills of having a bad fake Scottish accent. He’s also become a bajillionaire arms dealer at a company (MARS) building nanotechnology for NATO, but they’d also like to sell their tech back to terrorists. Instead of being smart like Pentagon contractors and charging twice as much for their goods so they can build some for themselves, they decide to steal back their nanotech missiles from Hero White Guy and Sidekick Black Dude, who have been assigned the job of delivering it to the U.S Government.

Hero White Guy’s ex-girlfriend leads the raid to steal the bombs, which makes Hero White Guy go OMFG! They used to go out and almost got hitched, but Ex-Girlfriend is now Evil, which means that she dyed her hair black and calls herself The Baroness. Hero White Guy and Sidekick Black Dude get their butts kicked and almost lose the missiles to The Baroness.

Enter G.I. Joe. In a brilliant stroke of political correctness, they are no longer Real American Heroes, but have branched out into token diversity by including a black Brit and a French-speaking Moroccan. But don’t worry, kids. This film won’t actually challenge stereotypes. White guys are still really in charge, all Asians are psychopathic ninjas, and female characters are safely marginalized with lots of tight leather, cleavage display, and minor parts as sexual sidekicks. The Joes save the day, and just for funsies, the Joes’ leader General Hawk bypasses all military protocol and lets Hero White Guy and Sidekick Black Dude join the Joes. Sidekick totally gets the hots for Hawt Nerd Girl With Big Hooters, but she plays it cool.

Then the movie re-enacts the opening scene of Team America: World Police, where the terrorists try to destroy Paris, but the American soldiers decide to wreck it first just to show that they can do it better. Stupid Frogs! Take that! Except this time it isn’t funny because Hero White Guy gets captured. Plus watching the Joes run around in their lame armor made me really sad that there won’t be a Halo movie. Because Mjolnir armor absolutely pwns the lame-ass gear the Joes are sporting.

Sigh.

McCullen takes Hero Guy back to his underwater Arctic base, where he shows even more that he didn’t need to steal the missiles, because he had about a bajilion dollars to build an enormous base beneath the polar ice cap. He also had plenty of nanobots left over to infect people’s brains and make them his zombie slaves. Pretty sweet, I have to admit. These mind control nanobots were invented by Michael Jackson’s undead corpse, who is the brother of The Baroness. Cobra gets ready to bomb everybody in the world because that’s how they roll.

As the Joes come to rescue Hero Guy and Stop The Evil Plan, McCullen manages to finally do something cool and doesn’t give away all the details of his Evil Plan like some kind of dumb Bond Villain. He sends Hero Guy to Michael Jackson to be zombified. Except this doesn’t happen because Michael Jackson blabbers on about the Evil Plan like a Bond Villain until the Joes come to the rescue and mess everything up. But not before Hero Guy learns that The Baroness is only evil because her brother infected her brain with nanobots! OMG! Won’t she be pissed when she wakes up from it and sees how many split ends all that black hair dye has caused!

The Joes get to the underwater base and there’s an Epic Battle like in a Michael Bay movie. Lots of things blow up and the two ninjas with a Childhood Vendetta battle it out until the evil guy is killed and Vengeance Is Served. The Cobra people decide to blow up their base because they are going to lose. Everything is On Fire and McCullen gets his face burned. Fulfilling His Fate, he gets a silver mask just like his great-grandpappy. Hero Guy goes “oh noes! Somebody set us up the bomb!” Sidekick Black Dude finally impresses Hawt Nerd Girl and she gives him a kissy so he can fly the plane good and Stop The Bombs. She helps him fly the plane because its controls only understand Celtic, and she happens to speak Celtic which is Super Impressive because that’s not even a real language. Wowie!

Because The Baroness loves Hero Guy deep down, she shakes free from the mind controlling nanobots. She saves Hero Guy and then he saves her. Aww <3 <3 <3!! They escape in a submarine and chase down Michael Jackson and McCullen, who Go To Jail. The same company that made Magneto’s plexiglass prison makes some metal dreidls to store the Cobra guys in, but Hero Guy goes to visit The Baroness because they are in l-u-v. She had to go to jail even though now she is only Sort Of Evil because her hair is still black, but she wears it in a ponytail which is More Fun.

The day is saved! Except Cobra totally replaced the President with a Faker Spy Guy. Oops lolz!

THE END

Now we see what those sneaky gay rights activists are up to . . . they’re after the straights’ wedding decorations! Today Hallmark unveiled its new gay wedding cards! Oh noes! As you can see, they are part of the creeping agenda that threatens heterosexal marriage everywhere; it isn’t enough to attack marriage itself (after all, if gays marry pretty soon all straight people will be tempted to go gay too, right?) but now they’ve got to come after weddings. I can just see it now . . .

Imagine a world where gays can plan their own weddings . . . there will be no teal satin bridesmaids’ gowns. Not one! Instead we’ll be plagued by tasteful sheath dresses from Versace, Prada, and Oscar de la Renta. Whether that bridesmaid is male, female, or transgender, they’ll look completely fabulous. And that’s a threat to good-looking heterosexual women everywhere who know that the only decent way to dress for a wedding is to wear the most unflattering and poorly cut gown your crazy bridezilla sister can find.

There will be no lace doilies. In a good, traditional wedding with good traditional heterosexuals, the sacred institution of unneccessary layers of lace on every object present (including dinner plates and photo frames) must be observed or traditional marriage is threatened. What on earth will happen to our society if all that lace is ripped from its sacred place and instead we see slick use of contemporary chrome, china, and steel?

What will we do when the dance floors are covered with people who feel they can ask anyone to dance, regardless of gender or sexual orientation? The very fabric of our society will be destroyed when staunch adherence to gender roles are broken down and a woman dances with a woman, or a man with a man. White males who can’t dance will no longer have a monopoly over the women, who will not feel obligated to dumb down their skills to accomodate their heterosexual lords and masters! Friends might actually enjoy themselves in mixed groups. What’s next? People dancing with their kitties and puppies?

We must work now to stop this phenomenon of homosexuals meddling in the sacred institution of heterosexual wedding cards. Like THIS example I have before me! Behold! It has a stylish color scheme, is splashed with hearts that are charming but not cutesey, and has the insidious words “Two Hearts, One Promise!” This is an outrage! This is a threat to civilization! This is — huh.

Huh.

Well, actually, this is a pretty cute card . . .

How do they stack up head to head on the issues that matter to me?

	Obama	McCain
Doesn’t follow American Idol?	Check!	Check!
Has never voted on American Idol?	Check!	Check!
Video games?	Pong	None
Musical taste?	Javanese flute music	Abba. And Linda Ronstadt.
Cried during:	Born Free	Bambi
Favorite Superhero:	“Spider-Man/Batman model”	Batman
Favorite movies?	Godfather I and II, not III	We Were Soldiers, Viva Zapata
Favorite TV?	SportsCenter, M*A*S*H, Dick Van Dyke, SpongeBob SquarePants	Seinfeld, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Dexter, The Wire
Last movie theater experience?	Shrek 3	Indiana Jones
Best fictional President?	Jeff Bridges in The Contender	David Palmer on 24
Can get remote away from wife?	Yes	Yes

Really? It’s too close to call. Yet another dead heat for the political race. Guess I’ll have to wait until they declare their veeps and analyze them for bad taste . . .

Yes, that is her little plastic hoo-ha. Why is it that every time I go to Walgreen’s to buy toothpaste I end up finding yet another reason to mock the most inappropriate children’s toys ever?