I couldn’t help but make comparisons because the game is just a wannabe Rock Band. Right away I noticed the physical differences between the player characters. Guitar Hero characters look less human. They are more difficult to connect to or identify with, particularly the women. Rock Band women have reasonably realistic looking bodies who can be dressed sexy, sassy, or classy, but they always look strong and in control. Guitar Hero girls are emaciated hentai waifs with unaggressive stances and outfits that belong on hookers. Cheap ones, at that.

The presentation of female rockers as tasty, cute sexual morsels makes them “safe” because they aren’t cool or aggressive like the male player characters. Guitar Hero has stayed mired in the outdated thinking that games should be tailored to gently massaging the egos of insecure and undersexed male gamers. Most offensive is the sight of male musicians shredding while slutty groupies bounce up and down in the background.

Critics have targeted this gender bias for a while which reinforces the anecdotal evidence I can see for why women don’t play Guitar Hero, but they love Rock Band. Shoot, even the name “Guitar Hero” implies a male protagonist. Gender plays literally no role in Rock Band. It’s an option, not a limitation, and it’s easy to customize characters to look as masculine or feminine as possible. Players don’t think twice when choosing songs, and the same soundtrack — male or female lead singer — plays regardless of the physical appearance of the singer. It isn’t about the gender of the player or the original artist. It’s about rocking.

All characters — male or female — can be stocky or slim, short or tall. They can have pretty or plain faces, and you can dress them up or down. But both genders rock, and that’s what really matters. This isn’t to say that there aren’t ways Rock Band could experiment with further making the gender divide irrelevant. Rock Band 2 had the improvement of adding eye makeup to the men’s shop, which makes the characters more realistic as rock stars anyway. But the fact that there are separate rock shops with segregated costume items for male and female characters could easily be done away with.

To accomodate the physical differences between men and women there will be different code for male and female attire, but why can’t they all shop in the same store? Ordinary folks walk to different sections of a department store, but rock stars don’t do that. Why can’t women wear leather glam rock pants and motorcycle boots? Why can’t male rockers sport fishnets? It’s hardly very rock and roll. Cross-dressing as a taboo isn’t really a concept that applies to stage performance. Seeing a male rock star wearing fishnets and eyeliner or a female rocker with a shaved head and tattoos isn’t shocking. It’s expected. So why not erase the male-female line down the middle of the rock shop?

Rock Band 3 is in the works, but is still in very early development. I’d hope that as Harmonix starts working on what will no doubt be a brilliant installation of a compelling gaming experience, they will finish mopping up the last bits of gender redundancy in the game.

Apart from the plate being snapped clean through, the pedal was still electrically functional, but my options were limited. The closest GameStop didn’t carry new pedals, and the closest Best Buy would close too soon for me to get there. But I wasn’t about to wait more than 15 minutes to go back to rocking. That just seemed like a dumb idea to me. So I went to the garage and got some industrial strength bonding clue for ceramics and plastics, a paint stirrer, and some Gorilla Tape, which is like Duct Tape on steroids.

I removed the orange plate, glued the two plastic pieces back together, snapped the stick in half and glued the pieces side-by side as a splint against the pedal, and then wrapped it top and bottom with Gorilla Tape before screwing the orange plate on the bottom back in. Took less than ten minutes.

But here’s the funny part — my playing got better and a lot easier after this fix. Funny how sometimes when things are heavier they’re easier to move. So to all you rockers out there, I’d recommend the hasty reinforcement of your kick pedal. It will enable the kind of rockage you never dreamed possible.

I have been a good girl this year. reasonably well-behaved this year. I know I haven’t spoken to you in a while but it’s only because I stopped believing in you when you brought me that hideous sweater. However, in an effort to mend the breach I would like to humbly request the Rock Band Drum Rocker Premium Drum Set for Xbox 360. It’s not that I couldn’t possibly buy it for myself — it just seems a really reasonable way for you to help me restore your faith in you.

I promise that if you bring me one of those I will avoid cussing at all too much, do my very best to think about helping the poor, and devote my life to the service of rocking for the benefit of the public. Really. When considering my request you should just start thinking of all the needy children who will have their lives improved by the sight and sound of me rocking really, really hard. Just imagine their faces lighting up with the peace and joy that the gospel of Rock can bring to their lonely, difficult lives.

If I can just have the right tools, anything is possible. Ending hunger. Curing cancer. World peace. Isn’t that what we all want for Christmas? I’m just asking you to do the right thing, Santa. Do what feels right, deep down in your heart.

Respectfully yours,
Me

P.S. The Drum Throne wouldn’t be unappreciated either. Just throwing that out there.

1. I just totally owned a Rock Band 2 song set playing drums on Expert.

2. My persistent work, despite the unlikelihood of any results, has paid off. For the first time since March 17, 2007, I have been able to fully extend my right wrist. I can fully flatten my hand against the floor, straighten my elbows, and then perform a push-up. This is a strong indicator that, if I keep up my regular stretching and therapeutic exercises, I may be able to stretch the scar tissue enough to regain full use and flexibility of my wrist and no longer feel pain during normal exercise.

I am just one big gooey sack of gratitude right now. Let’s hear it for the holiday season.