“Bohemian Rhapsody” is an especially delicious-looking track (by the way, if you haven’t downloaded the Queen track pack, DO IT NOW) and I’m looking forward to wailing on “Crazy Train” and playing the keyboard part to “Break on Through to the Other Side.” I’m sure the game holds much more, and the opening of the Rock Band Marketplace is a fantastic development that means I get to play “Code Monkey.” But I’ve still got a pretty hefty wish list of songs that would fill various needs for me:

• Taking advantage of the vocal harmonies feature developed for The Beatles: Rock Band: “If I had $1,000,000″ by Barenaked Ladies and pretty much everything in the Beach Boys’ catalog
• Reliving my childhood: “I Think We’re Alone Now” as performed by Tiffany
• Addressing my outrage that there is absolutely no Johnny Cash anywhere in Rock Band: “Folsom Prison Blues,” “Ring of Fire” and “I’ve Been Everywhere”
• Getting some frickin’ non-English music into Rock Band: “99 Luftballons” by Nena (auf Deutsch, bitte)
• Because it’s stupid to include South Park tracks and not have these songs: “Chocolate Salty Balls” by Chef and “Come Sail Away” as peformed by Eric Cartman
• Because there isn’t enough metal: “Rock ‘n’ Roll Doctor” by Black Sabbath, “Breaking the Law” and “Metal Gods” by Judas Priest, “I Don’t Wanna Stop” by Ozzy Osbourne, “Murmaider” and “The Lost Vikings” by Dethklok, and lots and lots and lots of Motörhead

A totally separate pipe dream is the idea that there could ever be Led Zeppelin in Rock Band. Really, the band deserves their own game, in the fashion of The Beatles: Rock Band. But when it comes to music licensing we mere mortals are not worthy of bread from the table of the Lords of Rock, and so must settle for crumbs of the likes of Green Day: Rock Band. That doesn’t mean I won’t fantasize about playing drums along to “When the Levee Breaks” or play the guitar part to “Stairway to Heaven,” Wayne’s World be damned.

In terms of features, I’d love to see a feature (or possibly an entirely separate game) called The Studio where players can take their newly acquired drumming, singing, and strumming skills and record either cover versions of rock songs from the game or lay down completely original work. With the right framework, simple home recording could go from a scary and expensive endeavor to a pretty user-friendly experience.

Smarter library navigation is quickly becoming a must. By the end of 2010 there will be more than 2000 songs available for Rock Band. To get an idea of what we’re currently working with, imagine trying to navigate your collection of perfectly legally downloaded mp3s without a mouse or a search feature. Yeah. I hope they resolve that with the “Redesigned Library for Better Music Management,” though I doubt it will be easy to make everyone happy.

I hope that Rock Band continues with its more gender-balanced approach to gameplay. The physical appearance of the playable characters still look good to me — no waify Japanimated skank girls like in Guitar Hero kplzthx.

Mostly I just want to get my hands on the stringed USB guitar and that tasty key-tar. The only bittersweet part for me is the fact that I haven’t been able to play drums since moving into my current place. I guess the guy downstairs gets “annoyed” by the sound of me stomping a kick pedal like it’s a rabid badger going for my ankles. PFFFT!

I couldn’t help but make comparisons because the game is just a wannabe Rock Band. Right away I noticed the physical differences between the player characters. Guitar Hero characters look less human. They are more difficult to connect to or identify with, particularly the women. Rock Band women have reasonably realistic looking bodies who can be dressed sexy, sassy, or classy, but they always look strong and in control. Guitar Hero girls are emaciated hentai waifs with unaggressive stances and outfits that belong on hookers. Cheap ones, at that.

The presentation of female rockers as tasty, cute sexual morsels makes them “safe” because they aren’t cool or aggressive like the male player characters. Guitar Hero has stayed mired in the outdated thinking that games should be tailored to gently massaging the egos of insecure and undersexed male gamers. Most offensive is the sight of male musicians shredding while slutty groupies bounce up and down in the background.

Critics have targeted this gender bias for a while which reinforces the anecdotal evidence I can see for why women don’t play Guitar Hero, but they love Rock Band. Shoot, even the name “Guitar Hero” implies a male protagonist. Gender plays literally no role in Rock Band. It’s an option, not a limitation, and it’s easy to customize characters to look as masculine or feminine as possible. Players don’t think twice when choosing songs, and the same soundtrack — male or female lead singer — plays regardless of the physical appearance of the singer. It isn’t about the gender of the player or the original artist. It’s about rocking.

All characters — male or female — can be stocky or slim, short or tall. They can have pretty or plain faces, and you can dress them up or down. But both genders rock, and that’s what really matters. This isn’t to say that there aren’t ways Rock Band could experiment with further making the gender divide irrelevant. Rock Band 2 had the improvement of adding eye makeup to the men’s shop, which makes the characters more realistic as rock stars anyway. But the fact that there are separate rock shops with segregated costume items for male and female characters could easily be done away with.

To accomodate the physical differences between men and women there will be different code for male and female attire, but why can’t they all shop in the same store? Ordinary folks walk to different sections of a department store, but rock stars don’t do that. Why can’t women wear leather glam rock pants and motorcycle boots? Why can’t male rockers sport fishnets? It’s hardly very rock and roll. Cross-dressing as a taboo isn’t really a concept that applies to stage performance. Seeing a male rock star wearing fishnets and eyeliner or a female rocker with a shaved head and tattoos isn’t shocking. It’s expected. So why not erase the male-female line down the middle of the rock shop?

Rock Band 3 is in the works, but is still in very early development. I’d hope that as Harmonix starts working on what will no doubt be a brilliant installation of a compelling gaming experience, they will finish mopping up the last bits of gender redundancy in the game.

Apart from the plate being snapped clean through, the pedal was still electrically functional, but my options were limited. The closest GameStop didn’t carry new pedals, and the closest Best Buy would close too soon for me to get there. But I wasn’t about to wait more than 15 minutes to go back to rocking. That just seemed like a dumb idea to me. So I went to the garage and got some industrial strength bonding clue for ceramics and plastics, a paint stirrer, and some Gorilla Tape, which is like Duct Tape on steroids.

I removed the orange plate, glued the two plastic pieces back together, snapped the stick in half and glued the pieces side-by side as a splint against the pedal, and then wrapped it top and bottom with Gorilla Tape before screwing the orange plate on the bottom back in. Took less than ten minutes.

But here’s the funny part — my playing got better and a lot easier after this fix. Funny how sometimes when things are heavier they’re easier to move. So to all you rockers out there, I’d recommend the hasty reinforcement of your kick pedal. It will enable the kind of rockage you never dreamed possible.

I have been a good girl this year. reasonably well-behaved this year. I know I haven’t spoken to you in a while but it’s only because I stopped believing in you when you brought me that hideous sweater. However, in an effort to mend the breach I would like to humbly request the Rock Band Drum Rocker Premium Drum Set for Xbox 360. It’s not that I couldn’t possibly buy it for myself — it just seems a really reasonable way for you to help me restore your faith in you.

I promise that if you bring me one of those I will avoid cussing at all too much, do my very best to think about helping the poor, and devote my life to the service of rocking for the benefit of the public. Really. When considering my request you should just start thinking of all the needy children who will have their lives improved by the sight and sound of me rocking really, really hard. Just imagine their faces lighting up with the peace and joy that the gospel of Rock can bring to their lonely, difficult lives.

If I can just have the right tools, anything is possible. Ending hunger. Curing cancer. World peace. Isn’t that what we all want for Christmas? I’m just asking you to do the right thing, Santa. Do what feels right, deep down in your heart.

Respectfully yours,
Me

P.S. The Drum Throne wouldn’t be unappreciated either. Just throwing that out there.