So I want to throw it out there: am I cheating on my boyfriend if I rub a sudsy facsimile of Harrison Ford as Han Solo all over myself? Is the carbonite a mitigating factor, as it would imply that Harrison Ford/Han Solo is unconscious and therefore wouldn’t be aware of said rubbing? If so, am I inappropriately taking advantage of someone who is too impaired to consent to being rubbed? Am I terminally nerdy for taking my train of thought this far?

Gentlemen, tonight is the night to hit the bars, hit the clubs, and go on those blind dates. Because I guarantee you that all the crazy girls will be at the movies. Any females left out on the streets will be semi to completely normal. So get out there and use this as your pickup line:

“So you didn’t go to the movies to see Twilight, huh? You must be one of those smart ladies I keep hearing so much about.”

Bam. You’re in. She’ll at least give you a charitable laugh, if not let you talk to her for a few minutes. If she responds warmly to your joke, say something about how awful the Stupak Amendment is and I guarantee you’ll get digits.

As for me, I think it would be a great idea to walk around all weekend wearing my new shirt and see how many cat fights I can pick with Twihards without saying a single word:

* Why no, I didn’t like the Twilight series. How could you tell?

I heartily endorse this kind of thing. It kind of shows you how absurd we can be, and how overblown things can get, when we adhere to bizarre cultural standards that do more to divide than to unify.

Or not.

In a classic case of Bridezilla Syndrome, this wedding has spun out of control. The bride’s parents are putting a second mortgage on their home and drawing from their pension funds to fund their little girl’s special day. They recently called the groom’s parents to ask how much money they were going to put into the wedding. This action cause so much worry and pain that the groom is taking out a loan from his parents to pony up an equally ridiculous amount for a one day event. The bride has now started planning ridiculous pre-wedding events for her bridesmaids. The extravaganza weekend keeps growing, with trips to the theater, day spa, fancy dinners, and requests for VIP treatment at expensive venues.

This is no way to start a marriage. Forget that the economy is terrible and going into debt for a party is utterly idiotic. Forget that it’s unfair and rude to extort cash from family members or insist that they pay for things they can’t afford. Forget that this behavior is creating chaos and strife where there ought to be joy and unity. Let’s just look at this as a red flag indicating this is probably a future case of marriage fail that will keep that 50% divorce rate alive and well.

While the groom is spending his time doing damage control, putting himself into debt, and pulling over to the side of the road to puke from the stress, what he really ought to be doing is examining his leadership skills as a future husband and father. A pretty hefty price tag is racking up for this event. If it’s the bride that’s fueling this frenzy, he has a girl on his hands who understands nothing about financial priorities. If it’s the mom, then he has a bride who will allow her mother to meddle in their marriage. His failure to check the madness shows he’s not ready to be a husband.

Irresponsible finances are one of the top causes of marital strife, and planning a wedding provides an ideal litmus test for priorities. This wedding is being planned backassward, with budget being introduced as an afterthought rather than a preset limit. If a couple can’t even be mature and responsible about getting together in the first place, how can they expect their relationship to last? In my not-so-humble opinion, no couple is destined for a happy marriage unless they can give satisfactory answers to the following questions:

What is more important to you? The wedding or the marriage? Does the woman understand the difference between being wanting to be a bride and wanting to be a wife? Is the man in a position to support his wife due to the economic vulnerability that goes with pregnancy and childbirth? Are you both exhibiting financially prudent behavior that will set a precedent for a marriage that knows how to set good priorities? Are you showing the maturity it takes to take the feelings and needs of others into consideration when planning major family events? Do you both understand that the opinions of your parents now take a back seat to those of your spouse in planning your life and making decisions?

Marriage is for grown-ups. So please act like one or don’t bother getting married. You’ll save the $50,000 you spent on the wedding and the fifty-g double down you’ll spend on the divorce. You’ll also spare my poor friend the headaches and guilt she is feeling over not being able to pony up thousands of dollars so Bridezilla can have a pretty pretty princess make-up party at the day spa between courses of filet mignon and bottles of Dom Perignon.

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