Dear Katie,

The world is a lot more connected than it used to be. Sometimes we focus too much on the dangers of being able to contact many people online, but your story is why the Internet is awesome. Thousands and thousands of people just like you were able to hear about your experience with bullying and show support for you. All of us geeks are out here, and we are looking out for you.

Be proud that you are adopted. Be proud because your parents chose you. There is a lot more to family than just blood. What really makes a family are people who choose to care for each other.

Be proud that you wear glasses. They help you to see the world in perfect focus, so that you can read, learn, and grow. They will help to make your mind beautiful.

Be proud that you want to express yourself. If there are things that you love and make you happy, like Star Wars water bottles, then GO FOR IT! You can do anything you want. Don’t let anybody ever tell you something different.

You rock. Don’t ever forget it. And if you ever need someone to remind you, just ask us. The Internet will be there for you.

I would love to make you some Jedi robes if you would like, so that you can show off your Star Wars pride whenever you want! If you are interested, have your parents e-mail me at stella at robotfromthefuture dot com.

Stella

• Silicon elf ears
• Several decks of Magic: The Gathering cards
• About a hundred twelve-sided dice
• A silver cape
• A cricket bat
• A chainsaw

I’m pretty sure I already have everything else I need. No, I won’t say what all of this is for. But it’s IMPORTANT. If you are interested in showing up at my apartment early next Saturday morning with any of this stuff while dressed like a zombie, let me know.

Today at the office we are celebrating Towel Day with a lunchtime reading of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. And brownies.

Douglas Adams was the first author who made me think that maybe after all I could become a writer. I’d been plagued with self-doubt for most of my life, which kept me from trying or from sharing any of the work I did. Being a grade a weirdo is generally frowned on when you’re in grade school, and in college I found myself in an environment that valued conformity so highly that independent thought was a virus that caused social leprosy. It wasn’t till I skipped town for my junior year in London that I realized there was a wide world of weirdos out there, and cutting myself down to size so I could fit into a prepackaged box wasn’t the only path life offered me. I could be myself, and people didn’t have to like me. In fact, if people didn’t like me for choosing myself over conformity, they weren’t worth my time.

Shortly after arriving in London, I picked up a battered paperback of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy at a second hand shop on Portobello Road, and finished it in a few hours at a pub near Notting Hill Gate. The title sounded entertaining, and at 35p it was within my budget range. It blew me away the first time I read it, and I still relish being thrown into fits of giggles by Adams’ turn of phrase. It was utterly unlike anything I’d ever been exposed to. The stunted literature courses I’d taken in college chose tame titles and taught them within safe boundaries, using the curriculum to make been-there-done-that observations worthy of a monthly book club — nothing that expanded thought and experience. But this text threw all convention out of the window. Whatever I had previously believed that literature had to say about the meaning of life, religion, god, interpersonal relationships, and the kitchen sink, it was all blown away with the irreverence of a rowdy kid doing a high-dive cannonball into a nice orderly lap pool. It was the first book that really made me think about reality and existence, and it made me laugh while I was doing it. What a revelation.

I gobbled up all of his works as quickly as I could. As much as I was enthralled by his fiction, it was ultimately his least known work that I loved best. Last Chance to See is an amazing text; it ought to be taught in high school Biology courses because I have never encountered something that really gets it when it comes to conveying the nature of the relationship between human beings and the rest of the planet. I can’t recommend this work strongly enough.

The day Douglas Adams died I was very upset. He’d spent most of his career trying to get the damn movie version of his book made, but he died just shy of its release. Leave it to the creator of the Infinite Improbability Drive to kick off in the most improbable way possible; prematurely and while exercising at a gym. I wish he could have written a few more books, and that he could have lived to see the iPad so he could have made fun of it.

So wave your towels high, kids, and raise a cup of tea in honor of DNA. So long, and thanks for all the fish.

1) Thou must experience as many nerdy properties as possible throughout your youth (nerdy parents must assist with this). By the age of 20, you must have chosen at least two sides of the following: Star Wars or Star Trek, Kirk or Picard, Marvel or DC, Mac or PC, Trukk or Munkey, Baker or Tennant, and Joel or Mike. If these topics come up, you must argue your choice past all reasonableness.

Without offering any explanation, I’ll go with: Star Wars, Picard, Marvel, PC, Trukk, Tennant, aaaaaaand Mike. If you would like to argue past all reasonableness, please by all means comment below. If you’d like to submit a guest post on the topic, let me know.

3) Thou must revere the Nerd Girl, because she is as rare as the diamond and just as valuable. Thou shouldst not stark her just because she’s the only girl in your nerd circle, and if/when she turns down your advances, you will not spurn her because that’s just shitty. And Nerd Girls, thou must be careful, for thy power is great — and can be used for both good and ill.

Mostly well played, although it would be much better if we could move past the concept of a “Nerd Girl” as an oddity and make gender obsolete in terms of nerdity.

4) Thou must try to convince your significant other to name the child after a character of nerdy importance. If thou are cut from the cloth of the nerd tribe and have managed to breed, and bringeth into the world the Lando’s, the Anakin’s, the Kal-Els.

I have tried to convince relatives to name their unborn spawn “Thor.” No takers so far.

7) Thou shalt acknowledge that Batman beats everyone, ever, anywhere at fighting. That’s right, he beats everybody. Even Optimus Prime. Even Darth Vader. Even Chuck Norris. He’d find a way. He’s the goddamn Batman.

I call BS. I processed battle scenarios for these matchups 1,254,374,598 times each. The results:

• Batman vs. Optimus Prime: Optimus Prime steps on Batman. The end.
• Batman vs. Darth Vader: Vader chokes Batman from 100 feet away. The end.
• Batman vs. Chuck Norris: After a long, brutal fight, the two declare a draw and embrace as brothers, joining forces to rule the world.

12) When searching for something to watch on television you must watch the geek movie you come across, even if you have said movie in your collection. If anyone asks, “Why don’t you just watch the one you own?” stare at them like an idiot and explain, “That is not the point.”

Disagree. I hate commercials with a raging passion, especially commercials featuring herbal male enhancement, which air more heavily on cable networks where geek movies would be likely to find. Plus why the hell would I watch downgraded quality on TV when I can enjoy the better-than-real image and thumping pulse of surround sound allowed by Blu-Ray?

14) Thy first crush must be upon an cartoon character.

Does David Bowie’s character from Labyrinth count?

I could go on, but you get the idea.

This has been your friendly neighborhood robot with a public service message about the socially awkward.