Cutscene: Ezio tries to turn on the charm to a hot babe, only to be told that he’s “adorable” and reminds the girl of her grandpa.
Race: Try to win a rooftop race at night without having to stop every five minutes to pee.
Side quest: Tell those darn kids to get off Ezio’s rooftop.
Handicap: If Ezio climbs for more than a certain number of seconds, his arthritis acts up and he must descend to spend the next 15 minutes complaining to the apothecary about his medical issues.
Sidequest: Ditch the horde of women chasing after you with their lawyers attempting to press paternity suits.
Unlockable Item: A utility belt that also provides good lumbar support.
Side Battle: Beat up a young whippersnapper for making fun of guys who used to have to fight without explosives.
Cutscene: Ezio walks around town smiling and waltzing with hot babes after getting a little blue flask from the apothecary.

Meanwhile, my Xbox Live account is working just fine . . . heh heh heh . . .

In college I played video games in person with friends, because this magical thing called the Internet couldn’t talk to consoles yet. We’d all go over to my friend Miguel’s house, empty our pockets, and use whatever cash we had to order as many pizzas as we could afford. Then we’d stay up all night playing NHL Hockey (Miguel was always the Redwings), Halo 1, Goldeneye. At about 3:30 am we’d usually get to that silly place where we’d turn on slappers mode and spend the rest of the night running around the map digitally smacking one another.

Xbox live was a magical thing; although Halo 2 was a flawed game in many ways, the multiplayer was perfect. And it was online. Provided that your console didn’t brick itself, you could play with friends near and far. And total strangers.

Then they added chat. Studying gamers is a good way to get an idea of how far our culture needs to evolve before we can escape bigotry, racism, sexism, and other social diseases. This is because gamers are the most self-entitled group of people on the planet, and they never shut up. They also skew heavily toward the teenage, affluent, male, and privileged demographics.

I could deal with Halo Multiplayer if it were just the crackling-voiced little twerps complaining about junior high. But the level of abuse heaped on female gamers by a lot of these jerks is astounding. And Zarquon help you if someone finds out you’re gay. I always laugh and shake my head when I see an article wondering why more chicks don’t play video games. Let’s see . . . nearly every game has a big beefy male protagonist, mostly male NPCs, marginalized female characters who are usually sexual objects or part of the scenery, and when we do get a female main character her boobs are bigger than the guns she carries.

Halo: Reach was the first game I played that I felt truly shelved the issue of gender. The cast of characters is balanced, and I loved the fact that the gender of the main character was recognized as being so irrelevant that the player gets to choose whether to be male or female.

Wish I could say the same for the multiplayer.

If you’re a guy, and you’re not sure whether or not women know what they’re talking about when they describe how they have to plan the way they dress, the way they move and the way they travel based on the expectation of unwanted harassment from men, watch the above video and you’ll know what it feels like when it’s only happening in a digital setting.

Maybe what we gamer girls need is some kind of “Take Back the Net” march?