The beanie pattern is divided into six sections, with a spike stitch at the end of each segment. This creates six subtle ridges going down the sides of the body of the hat:

I threw in two bands of light brown to give the hat a little color, and finished off the bottom with thicker bands of double-layered stitching so that it stays snug around the ears and won’t stretch out with repeated use:

This hat should never be ironed or put in a hot dryer. Hand washing and air drying are best, as wool and acrylic don’t like mechanical washers and dryers.

If you’d like to make this adult-sized hat, here’s the pattern:

Materials:
Size I crochet hook
Two contrasting or complementary colors of yarn

I used Lion Brand Wool-Ease wool/acrylic/rayon blend yarn. I’m a big fan of this line because it’s warm, soft, and the colors are mixed with many different shades, which is more interesting to my eye than a flat pure color. I used up about 2/3 of a ball of the color Mink Brown for the main body of the hat and hardly any of the color Mushroom for the contrast striping. You could easily use other types of yarn, but make sure that you check your gauge if the yarn is not about the same thickness as Wool-Ease.

Foundation: Take your main color and chain 2. Put 6 single crochet (sc) in the first chain (ch).
Round 1: Put 2 sc in each stitch (st). There are 12 stitches in the round.
Round 2: *Do a spike stitch in the next st. This is a regular single crochet, but you reach down one more row to insert your hook. When you pull up the loop and close the single crochet, you’ll have a nice long V shape that extends over the previous row. Next put 2 sc in the next st. Repeat from * five more times. There are 18 stitches in the round.
Round 3: *Spike stitch in the next st. 2 sc in the next st. 1 sc in the next st. Repeat from * five more times. There are 24 stitches in the round.
Round 4: *Spike stitch in the next st. 1 sc in each of the next 2 sts. 2 sc in the next st. Repeat from * five more times. There are 30 stitches in the round.
Round 5: *Spike stitch in the next st. 1 sc in the next st. 2 sc in the next st. 1 sc in each of the next 2 sts. Repeat from * five more times. There are 36 stitches in the round.
Round 6: *Spike stitch in the next st. 1 sc in each of the next 4 sts. 2 sc in the next st. Repeat from * five more times. There are 42 stitches in the round.
Round 7: *Spike stitch in the next st. 1 sc in the next 2 sts. 2 sc in the next st. 1 sc in each of the next 3 sts. Repeat from * five more times. There are 48 stitches in the round.
Round 8: *Spike stitch in the next st. 1 sc in each of the next 6 sts. 2 sc in the next st. Repeat from * five more times. There are 54 stitches in the round.
Round 9: *Spike stitch in the next st. 1 sc in each of the next 8 sts. Repeat from * five more times. There are 54 stitches in the round.
Round 10: *Spike stitch in the next st. 1 sc in each of the next 3 sts. 2 sc in the next st. 1 sc in each of the next 4 sts. Repeat from * five more times. There are 60 sts in the round.
Round 11: *Spike stitch in the next st. 1 sc in each of the next 9 sts. Repeat from * five more times. There are 60 stitches in the round.
Round 12: *Spike stitch in the next st. 1 sc in each of the next 8 sts. 2 sc in the next st. Repeat from * five more times. There are 66 stitches in the round.
Round 13: *Spike stitch in the next st. 1 sc in each of the next 10 sts. Repeat from * five more times. There are 66 stitches in the round.
Round 14: *Spike stitch in the next st. 1 sc in each of the next 5 sts. 2 sc in the next st. 1 sc in each of the next 5 sts. Repeat from * five more times. There are 72 stitches in the round.
Round 15: *Spike stitch in the next st. 1 sc in each of the next 11 stitches. Repeat from * five more times. There are 72 stitches in the round.

We’ve now reached the desired size of the hat. Be sure to measure around the hat with a soft measuring tape to be sure it’s the same size around as the noggin of the intended wearer. If it’s too big, undo the last two rows and measure again. If it’s too small, increase up to 78 stitches in the round and see how that goes.

Repeat Round 15 until the hat hovers just above the tips of the ears when the wearer tries it on. Finish off your main color with a slip stitch and weave the loose end back into the hat to avoid fraying.

Take your contrasting color and attach it to the hat.

Contrast band:
Round 1: 1 sc in each st all the way around the hat.
Round 2: *Spike stitch in the next st. 1 sc in each of the next 11 sts. Repeat from * five more times. (This pattern is still assuming you reached a target size of 72 sts in the round. Remember that if you increased or decreased the size of the hat, you’ll need to increase or decrease the number of sc in each section to keep the six sections of the hat evenly spaced.)

Finish off the contrasting color with a slip stitch and weave the loose end back in to the band of the same color.

Now take up your main color and repeat the contrast band. Finish off and weave in.

Now take up your contrast color and do a contrast band one more time. Finish off and weave in.

The hat is almost done! Do a size check at this point. Have the intended wearer put the hat on. It should cover most of their head, but they should still be able to stick their fingertips into their ears. If the hat is already covering down to the earlobes, you may want to undo some of your work and redo it so that the hat is shorter, or figure out a shorter hatband.

Hatband:
Attach your main color.
Round 1: 1 sc in each st all the way around the hat.
Round 2: 1 half double crochet (hdc) in the next st, 1 spike stitch in the next st. Repeat that all the way around the hat.
Round 3: 1 sc in each st all the way around the hat.
Round 4: 1 hdc in the next st, 1 spike stitch in the next st. Repeat that all the way around the hat.
Round 5: 1 sc in each st all the way around the hat.

The hat is now basically done, except that you’ll notice the band is a bit flimsy. We need to strengthen it so that it grips around the head a little more and won’t stretch out after repeated use. This is a little trick I’ve figured out which adds interesting visual texture and is ridiculously useful to reinforce crocheted bands.

Take the hat, right side out, and put your hook down at a ninety degree angle through any space between round 1 and round 2 of the hatband. Pull up a loop of your main color. Now move over one space along the groove between rounds 1 and 2 and pull up another loop. Close a slip stich. Repeat this all the way around and you get a nice braided-looking round of flat slip stitches reinforcing the hatband and giving it a bit of texture. Finish off by tying the two loose ends into a square knot where they meet and working the loose ends back into the hatband.

Repeat a slip stitch reinforcement round twice more: once between rounds 3 and 4 and once worked right into the edge of the hat. Here’s a closeup of what that looks like:

Try the hat back on and you’ll feel the difference. The hatband will still be soft and stretchy, but it won’t have as much give and it will feel thicker and more secure.

There ya go. A nice hat for the discerning wearer in need of warmth without too much silliness. Enjoy!

OUT DAMNED SPOT!

Right now the spot is a probable tumor in my sweet, beautiful kitteh Ripley. I am not ready to lose her, and seeing her in pain is agonizing. Last night, instead of sleeping at the side of the bed as she usually does, she spent most of it huddled on my chest, burrowing in deeper every time she twitched awake. It broke my heart. Early this morning, she got up, politely walked away from me, and violently threw up. I feel like a complete asshole for having to take her to the vet for a CT scan in forty-five minutes.

I’m going to need to keep very busy over the next week or so while decisions are made and actions are implemented. I can only work out so many hours a day, so luckily I’ve got a big box of leftover balls of yarn from various projects. Last night I made a very pretty ribbon and yarn scarf, and I got the idea to make as many small projects as I need to keep my sanity, and make my friends happy by sharing those projects with them.

If you’d like a scarf, pair of mittens, hat, hairband, tie, or some other small project, just speak up. Otherwise I’ll probably just hand you one next time I see you.

I had a strange dream last night. Unusual, rather, in that it was pleasant. I was in a big, well-lit room with several cardboard boxes that held a litter of kittens each, and I was trying to figure out which kitten I wanted to take home with me. I picked out a very soft, jet-black kitten with pale green eyes, and was trying to figure out how I could trick my boyfriend into not noticing when I brought it over to his house, because his apartment doesn’t allow cats.

Last night my boyfriend dreamed that we were in London, and he had a room at some swanky hotel, but I had gone out without telling him where I was going or when I was coming back. It was up to him to make reservations at this restaurant I wanted to go to, because it served the finest delicacy in all of London town: rat. The best rat delicatessen was booked solid. Bummer! However, the maitre d’ made a recommendation for another excellent eatery that prepared rat nearly as well.

One of my coworkers dreamed last night that of a huge drooling tentacle monster that could disguise itself as a kitten to get into people’s cars. While I’m unsure as to kitten being the preferred form for automobile invasion, my boyfriend strongly suspects that this was the reason for the room full of kittens in my dream.

It’s all connected, man. All connected. Did anybody else have a dream last night involving me, kittens, or grilled rat?

To test the alternative theory of “just get it up there,” I’ll be biting off more than I can chew by attempting to write an entire novel during the month of November. I know some others who will be participating in NaNoWriMo. Anybody want to be my writing buddy? I’ll be working on a fractured fairy tale that (for now) I’m calling The Grim Sister. This story has been percolating in my head for several years, and I think it’s about time for it to come out. We’ll see if this one flows as easily as I hope it will, or if it will prove as stubborn as Star and Scribe has.

Writing is difficult, but worth it. And if I ever want to get good at it, I suspect I’ll have to write a lot of rough before I get any diamonds.

We sidle up to the bar to watch the band finish setting up. The guy sitting next to me is pretty drunk, which is embarrassing enough, even if you don’t factor in that it’s only 9:30 p.m. He smacks — not taps, smacks — me on the arm and asks why I have on blue (I’m wearing green) and Darien has on red. “Did you guys plan that?” he wants to know.

“No, we didn’t,” I assure him politely, and turn back to my friend.

“Yes, you did,” the guy retorts, poking my arm. “We just started talking and you’re already lying.”

“Ah yes, you’ve figured out our secret,” Darien confesses.

“It’s all part of our plot,” I tell him. I’m not interested in helping this guy use us as a target for his rather cliché bitterness for life and love. We successfully ignore him for a while until I get smacked on the arm again. What is this, the Mos Eisley Cantina?

“You guys look like, you’re, like, Stepford Wives,” I am informed.

“Excuse me?”

“Like, so prim and proper, you’re like Stepford Wives.”

Confused, mainly because Stepford Wives would never, ever go to a bar, I ask him if he’s read the novel.

“I saw the movie. You’re Stepford Wives because you’re wearing the same thing,” he claims. His friend, who has been sitting next to him silently this whole time, begins to smile. He can clearly see that a train wreck is about to take place and wants to enjoy every moment.

“Actually,” I inform him, putting on my most going-to-scare-you-with-my-formidable-and-rarely-useful-knowledge-of-literature tone of voice, “The book has nothing to do with clothing. It’s about loss of feminine identity in the face of patriarchal control.”

The Wingman gets this kind of Oopsie This Girl Is Smarter Than She Looks look. But the drunk guy, oblivious, persists.

“No, it’s about how you’re all proper. I saw the movie,” I am informed. Well, isn’t that nice. He repeats a few things he’s been saying about how we are uptight and prissy. His evidence for this is based on the fact that we (a) are dressed up and (b) don’t want to talk to him. Except he doesn’t quite put it that way. In his version there was more slurring and profanity.

“Do you practice saying things to offend people?” I ask him in all sincerity, while Darien flips him the bird.

“No, I don’t mean it as an insult,” he says in a very insulting tone. “But you are. You’re like robots.”

I tell him there are some advantages to being a robot. He then says something extremely classy to the effect of that if I were a robot I would be able to provide nonstop manual stimulation to his favorite body part. I shake my head and correct him.

“No, see, if I were a robot, I could replace my foot or hand if it got damaged. And if I went to a bar and some jerk insulted me and my friend,” I say, “I would be able to hit him really fucking hard with my robotic arm.”

His jaw drops a little bit. His friend chokes on his Bud Light as he suppresses violent laugher. Darien and I get up to go find more civil company closer to the band, which has started to play.

A little wake-up call, genius. If you’re trying to get attention, please decide what kind you would like. The good kind takes manners. But if you don’t have manners, please remember that insulting me and my friend is probably only going to get you a nice verbal castration.