I was low, then high, and now find myself back in the depths of confusion and anger. Why, do you ask? After getting back from the airport yesterday, I found that my luggage had been tossed and TSA had kindly left a love note for me.

“Dear Citizen,” it read. “Our number one priority is you. That’s why we’ve searched your luggage without your permission. We know there’s this pesky thing called the Fourth Amendment, but we just can’t help ourselves. After all, arbitrarily invading the private property of US Citizens on low-risk domestic flights really gets us turned on. Turned on about safety. The items you packed made us so hot that it just wasn’t safe to allow them on the plane. So we’ve taken off with your chonies to protect national security. We salute your patriotism.”

Yes, that’s right. Your tax dollars have paid federal employees to violate the Bill of Rights AND relieve me of my underwear.

I recently had the privilege to see Penn and Teller in Las Vegas. They do a great bit with a metal detector, demonstrating how utterly useless it is in making us safe. All of our so-called flight safety restrictions are reactionary, time consuming, costly, and can’t be demonstrated to have made anybody safer in the skies. The illusionists displayed a small metal copy of the Bill of Rights (available for purchase at their gift shop), and used the copy to set off the alarm in a great object lesson about the violations of personal liberty that we’ve come to accept in the name of political correctness. Everyone — US citizen and foreigner alike — is now subject to being searched without a warrant. No common sense is applied, and everyone, from a bottle-sucking baby to a grandma with an oxygen tank, is subjected to the same search procedures as terrorists. How did we come to believe this was OK?

I’ve seen mothers have baby formula taken away from them, leaving toddlers screaming. I’ve seen ladies have expensive bottles of smelly lotion tossed from their bags. The regulations we have in place use no common sense; objects and people are not evaluated for their threat; they merely need to be the right shape and size, and in a clear baggie. And that, somehow, makes us safe.

I’ve been subject to search and seizure that seems pretty damn contrary to the Fourth Amendment. What probable cause justifies digging into a non-suspicious black bag? What right does the government have to lay their hands on my things without a warrant? If my underwear is what they consider a threat to the United States, then I can safely say we are all doomed.

2. My Xbox was on and in use as long as somebody in the house was conscious.

3. However, said Xbox scratched my brand new frickin’ copy of Brütal Legend. The circular scratch of death meant that no matter how much disk repair goo I poured into it, I still had to go to GameStop and buy a new copy. FML.

4. While I was engaged in heroic efforts to repair Brütal Legend my little sister asked if I could try fixing her Twilight DVD, which was scratched by her dumb friend who borrowed it. The scratches disappeared lickety split on the first try. Repeat: I was able to fix Twilight but not Brütal Legend. FML.

5. I visited the Griffith Observatory, which is always loads of fun. Win.

6. I got to play with the little bean, who is now three months old and has an awesome laugh.

7. I got to watch USC beat UCLA (again!) at the Coliseum. Epic Win.

I won’t bother with a lengthy recap, but this year’s cross-town rivalry game went basically like this: Boring first half, semi-interesting third quarter, great fourth quarter. Both defenses did okay, both offenses had trouble getting anything started. USC locks it up 21-7, and then their defense shuts down UCLA. Barkley takes a knee, signaling that USC is willing to take the mercy kill. UCLA calls a bratty time out. Coach Carroll says “okay, fine, if you don’t want to end the game it’s on and Barkley throws a long bomb for a spectacular TD. That’s when UCLA tossed their cookies and the entire team started marching across the field. Sure, USC was celebrating and a few players were taunting. But they were doing it from the sidelines. It’s legal, and it’s to be expected in this rivalry.

I don’t know what’s sadder: that the Bruins showed poor form or that they could only muster enough cojones to threaten a fight, not follow through with one? Not like I want to see anybody get hurt but don’t half-ass no class. People are going to think less of you anyway so why bother with wimpy bad behavior? The worst part happened when an official who was attempting to get the Bruins back on the line was shoved — hard — by a UCLA player. The Coliseum went nuts when this happened. I’ve never heard them boo that loud. A note, you sorry Bruin: if you’re going to be a baby and pick a fight, at least don’t do it to a middle-aged guy half your size.

The video don’t lie. You can see the Bruin player shove a referee to the ground at about 2:03. But what has me scratching my head is that for all the commentary on this game, as there is every year, nobody is talking about this incident. The NCAA peed its pants when Oregon player LeGarrette Blount sucker punched Byron Hout during the Boise State game. They’ve had all this talk about good sportsmanship. So why is there such resounding silence when a player assaults an official?? I wouldn’t care if the guy was USC or UCLA. I want him out. This kid should be gone for the rest of the season, including the UCLA’s “big” game at the Toilet Bowl.

What up, NCAA? Are you as blind to this incident of inexcusable assault as your officials were to UCLA’s left tackle being guilty of holding every single time Kevin Prince held the ball? I don’t want to see it handled quietly and internally. I want to know that incidents of bad sportsmanship are met with swift and appropriate punishment.

Not being too into the NFL and definitely having no ties to either team, I was just hoping for a good game. And boy did we get one. I had to say that Fitzgerald’s second crowd-rousing touchdown was bittersweet. I was stoked to see the scrappy underdogs come back and take the lead. It seemed like the game had been clinched at the end of the first half after Warner’s poor decision to pass where a Steeler was just waiting for the pick. But they did it . . . and left too much time on the clock. I knew that Roethlisberger had the capability to come back out and do his thing, and he did. For being such a big boy, he’s harder to catch than a greased pig and isn’t afraid to get physical. He’s like The Fridge of Quarterbacks.

Everybody expected the Steelers to take it, and they did. But it was at least nice to get an interesting game out of it. Which is more than I can say for the piss-poor assortment of Super Bowl commercials. WTF? What happened? Super Bowl commercials used to be often more worth watching than the game itself! I saw only two that were worth my attention — the Pepsi MacGruber ad (the Bob Dylan one was an affront to my senses), and the Hulu is an evil plot to destroy the world ad. I guess the CareerBuilder spot had a funny “House That Jack Built” thing going on that kind of amused me. But still. Most of them were crap.

Thank goodness the game was good.

Pete: Well, It’s partly the fact that the drinking fountains at USC don’t provide water, but rather magic juju juice. This is not only responsible fror our total dominance in football but also why all the girls on our campus are so stupidly hot.

Me: So, is it difficult for you to kick so much ass? Does your foot ever hurt?

Pete: I’ve been working with a physical therapist. As my bones are constructed of Adamantium and Y Chromosomes, there is always tissue damage. There have been times where I have kicked so much ass that I’ve needed a light massage after a game.

Me: So what’s next?

Pete: I’d like to personally challenge the BCS to a football game. I figure once Rey Maualuga gets done with them, they’ll finally allow a playoff system.

Me: Thanks coach.

Pete: Thanks!

Bam. We get a touchdown. We’re back in the game and back in control. Eat, it bRuins.

I love football.

I love football!

I LOVE FOOTBALL!!!!