Revision: Patch for the newly implemented Algorithm “Irritation Calculation.” The code currently reads: FOR EACH interfering human: IF direct confrontation = false THEN ignore ELSE i = [a(s + 2c)]/m I propose the following amendment: FOR EACH interfering human: IF direct confrontation = false THEN ignore ELSE query: “Are there witnesses present?” IF witnesses = [...]

Dear Adademy of Behavioral Calculation, I made a revision today. It seems my previous algorithm: is not so accurate. Instead: Simple resolution of conflict, it seems, is not how humans prefer to interact. Should someone interfere with your work but not make any overt efforts to stop you, you can ignore them and continue as [...]

blah blah blah iPhone blah blah blah. There’s always something. In elementary school, it was the Walkman. If you didn’t have a Sony Walkman while you strutted down the street in an L.A. Gear jacket and three pairs of multicolored scrunchy socks, you weren’t cool. Then it was laserdisc. Then it was Palm Pilots. Now, [...]

1. Turn off thy mobile. Nay, thou art not special. And lo, unto ye noisy middle schoolers text messaging unto the person next to you, great shall be your suffering when cometh the popcorn and slurpies which shalt rain down like brimstone. 2. Thou shalt not bring thy spawn. Wisdom teacheth that if thou lackest [...]