I cannot in any way compare this to the quandary I faced when The Phantom Menace came out on DVD. In that case my course of action was clear. I didn’t buy it. I will not buy it, and no Jedi mind tricks can ever make me. I still have my VHS copies of the real Star Wars movies, because they are the versions free of the pollution of enhanced Death Star explosions and Hayden Christensen ghosts.

Except for a few well-done action sequences, including the infamous murder of Optimus Prime, Transformers: Return of the Fallen was terrible. The plot made no sense at all (even less so when considering that this is supposed to be a sequel to the first installation), the script was awful, and there was more racism and sexism than I expected from even somebody as brainlessly asplodey as Michael Bay. There were tasteless attempts to plug into the acts of American patriots (“Let’s Roll!”) and the endless cast of sidekicks made me want to just plug my ears until the next action sequence, when everybody would finally shut up to make way for robot mayhem.

If it were possible for me to extract the good stuff, like the battles and the bit with RoboGimli (up until he stupidly committed suicide to make mega-Optimus), I would want to buy this DVD. Does anybody know where I can find a cut of this flick that does not have:

• Dogs humping
• Megatron acting like Starscream
• Girlfriends too obsessed with hearing their man say “I love you” to notice that they are in mortal danger
• Minstrelsy that makes Al Jolson look like Malcom X
• Jewish stereotypes
• German stereotypes
• Latino stereotypes
• Arab stereotypes
• Depiction of women as either crazy or slutty, or both
• Dialogue that makes me think Pearl Harbor might not have been so bad after all
• Pointless irresponsible drug use
• Death and resurrection of characters that should stay dead if they die
• An afterlife populated by alien robots
• John Turturro

I know it would only be like, 17 minutes long, but that would be worth my twenty bucks.