Now we just nead some prezzies under that thar tree . . .

This Christmas season I’ve started to see a lot of ads for “Green Christmas” practices. Christmas trees have garnered a lot of attention, and it’s surprising to see how well untrue ideas can be effectively marketed as greener so that sellers can make money and buyers can feel good about themselves. Potted Christmas trees are all the rage. But here’s the question: what do you do with it after the season? Unless your apartment has room for a Douglas Fir, it’s the same thing as just buying a cut tree and letting that one die too.

It’s not just the sales folks. A hippie I know sent out an e-mail telling everyone that cutting down trees for the holiday season was an assault on the environment, leading to deforestation and thus increasing the amount of carbon in the air. /headdesk. Come on. Really? Really?

A little known fact is that a Christmas tree farm is one of the most effective methods out there for getting carbon out of our air. Young, vigorous, growing trees soak up the carbon. As trees move past their prime, they actually start to release it back into the environment. Christmas tree farms do nothing but churn young, healthy trees through the land. And after the season is over, it’s easy to recycle the tree as mulch. There’s hard science backing this up, which is why it’s important to judiciously log in our forests. Clear-cutting is obviously destructive and harmful, but a well-groomed forest with just enough old growth and plenty of young trees will fix carbon and help us avoid fires, which belch carbon into the air.

So don’t feel guilty about buying that cut tree. You’re doing the earth a favor. And there are plenty of other ways that you can green your Christmas. Don’t buy wrapping paper. Try to think of ways to reuse existing materials for more creative gift presentation. My favorite type wrapping — the Sunday comics page — is now unfortunately extinct to me, but I still manage to find other fun things to use. Scraps of cloth can be sewn into reusable gift bags. Sturdy boxes can be reused again and again. As a challenge to myself, I’m going to attempt to make sure that at least half of what I give as gifts this Christmas are used or refashioned items, and nothing that I use for gift wrap will be new. I won’t tell anyone explicitly what I’m doing, because the only thing worse than a hippie is a preachy hippie. If somebody guesses or asks, bonus points for them. But I figure the best way to tell someone I care about them is to give them a gift without harming them or their children in the long run, and it’s not difficult. In fact, I’m happy about the creativity it’s forcing me to use.

I have been a good girl this year. reasonably well-behaved this year. I know I haven’t spoken to you in a while but it’s only because I stopped believing in you when you brought me that hideous sweater. However, in an effort to mend the breach I would like to humbly request the Rock Band Drum Rocker Premium Drum Set for Xbox 360. It’s not that I couldn’t possibly buy it for myself — it just seems a really reasonable way for you to help me restore your faith in you.

I promise that if you bring me one of those I will avoid cussing at all too much, do my very best to think about helping the poor, and devote my life to the service of rocking for the benefit of the public. Really. When considering my request you should just start thinking of all the needy children who will have their lives improved by the sight and sound of me rocking really, really hard. Just imagine their faces lighting up with the peace and joy that the gospel of Rock can bring to their lonely, difficult lives.

If I can just have the right tools, anything is possible. Ending hunger. Curing cancer. World peace. Isn’t that what we all want for Christmas? I’m just asking you to do the right thing, Santa. Do what feels right, deep down in your heart.

Respectfully yours,
Me

P.S. The Drum Throne wouldn’t be unappreciated either. Just throwing that out there.

Just yesterday I finally finished putting away the last of my boxes and took a last load to Goodwill. I am finally at a point where I can say that I am honest to goodness “crap-free” in that everything I own is something I use, need, or value. Everything has a place and everything is in its place. I’m very excited about that. This also means that I really don’t need stuff. I can afford everything I need. The hobbies I have don’t require accessories, or I have all the accessories I need. I was just looking around my room right before my sister arrived for her visit last weekend and thought, “this is perfect. I have everything I need right here.”

This year for Christmas, I don’t want “stuff” because I have everything that I need and plenty of things I want. I’d rather have your good company and friendship than material objects. I am way blessed with an awesome job that hooks me up with my favorite magazines, events, food, games, and all of the little luxuries that most people never get to experience. If you feel compelled to spend cash, what would make me really happy this year is to help out my favorite charity, Heifer International. Because of the poor economic situation, donations to charities are very low this year. I would much rather get a present that helps other people have a better life. Plus hey — how often is Christmas shopping tax-deductible? That’s pretty win-win. Sometimes people feel that a gift like this isn’t a “real present” but it is! I wish I could afford to donate more, so you helping me do something I care about is the best present I can get.

The tree looked lovely. All silver and gold, with some twinkle lights that have some pretty cool settings. Some people don’t like fake Christmas trees, since they’re not “real.” I have a few friends who buy theirs from green tree farms that use the profits from the Christmas Tree farm to reforest old-growth areas. If I had the money, I’d be all over that. But I also have a lot of personal nostalgia for fake trees, since growing up we always had one. My parents said it was because my dad was allergic to pine, something I found odd considering that we lived at the edge of a pine forest and went camping in it several times a year. It’s since occurred to me that with five children already making the house enough of a messy fire hazard, they weren’t interested in tempting fate.

Setting up my family’s fake tree was my favorite part of decorating the house. It’s OUR tree — the same one every year. The family tree had to be replaced after 18 years of loyal service a few years ago, and the new one they got was so real looking that when they hung pine scented car fresheners inside it, people constantly asked which lot we’d cut our tree from.

Even though it wasn’t my tree yesterday, I still had lots of fun memories triggered by the activity. And no matter how old I get, I still get a huge thrill out of turning out the lights and staring at the glowing tree, reflected in the mirrors and windows of the room. After the decorations were up, we followed up with hot apple cider and watching the old stop-motion “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” That was a blast from the past. I still remembered every word to every song, very amusing proof of the strange tendency the human mind has to lock away selective information. However, it may be my jaded post-internet lifestyle, or simply the fact that I’ve OD’ed on too much South Park, but it was impossible for anybody to keep a straight face while watching the show.

I never noticed as a kid how Hermie the Elf belongs on “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,” or how Santa was a raging bigot against those with physical deformities. Or how blatantly sexist the overall narrative is. Or how half the songs have nothing to do with the plot, and have to be stitched into the tale with very haphazard storytelling. But I still love it. There’s something ridiculously charming about it, and it’s an important piece from a pop culture standpoint. It’s influenced every animated take on Christmas I’ve ever seen– from The Nightmare Before Christmas to South Park.

I look forward to catching as many Christmas specials as I can this week, just to get a kick out of the different perspective that I have now. I especially look forward to seeing “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.” It’s a fantastic piece, and I never get tired of it. (However, I completely disavow the Jim Carrey version . . . *shudder*)

Christmas specials are tacky. They’re schmaltzy. They’re cheezy. Pick your favorite term. But we love them. Why? Because they remind us, to borrow the words of Mr. Hankey:

“Come on gang, don’t fight. You people focus so hard on the things wrong with Christmas that you’ve forgotten what’s so right about it. Don’t you see? This is the one time of year we’re supposed to forget all the bad stuff. Stop worryin’ about the state of the world, and for just one day say: Aw, the heck with it, let’s sing and dance and bake cookies!”