Gestational Awareness goes to the Best Woman, who despite being five months pregnant delivered a very touching toast without devolving into a hormonal emotional wreck.

Tranquilizer goes to the best man Neil, who kept the groom from swimming away.

That’s Commitment goes to Darien, who drove all the way back from Burning Man to go to the wedding, missing the burn itself to be a bridesmaid.

Those Music Lessons Paid Off go to Kat, Marguerite, and Darien, who despite having never met or played together before were able to play a string arrangement of “Believe Me if All Those Endearing Young Charms” as if they’d been jamming for years.

Saves The Day goes to my brother, who had the foresight to bring a bag of gummy bears on board with him. When the flower girl started to get fussy, a steady flow of snacks kept her gob full and mostly quiet.

Weathering the Storm goes to me and Mr. T, who managed to flub our way through our first dance together despite this event coinciding with the only really big swells the boat hit during the entire cruise.

The Immortal Bard goes to each of our dads, who inadvertently picked the same Shakespeare sonnet to include in their readings.

Stay on the Scene goes to my niece, who despite being two can bust a move on the dance floor better than any grownup.

Mr. Fix It goes to the ship’s crew member who was at the ready with a roll of duct tape to put a bridesmaid’s shoe back together when it snapped in half just as I was due to begin walking down the aisle.

OCD Has Its Uses goes to Bubbles, who utilized her precision hand to make a much better looking cake topper than I had done at the very last minute.

Bowties Are Cool goes to Mr. T, who combined all the hawttest bits of James Bond and Dr. Who with that tux.

Best Picture

• Inglourious Basterds
• Up
• Zombieland

Best Lead Actor

• Woody Harrelson, Zombieland
• Ed Asner, Up
• Paul Rudd, I Love You, Man

Best Supporting Actor

• Christoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds
• Chris Hemsworth, Star Trek
• Jackie Earle Haley, Watchmen

Best Director

• Quentin Tarantino, Inglourious Basterds
• Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker
• Zack Snyder, Watchmen

Best Foreign Language Film

There are no foreign language films. There are only films made in the native languages of screenwriters, directors, and actors. As with gender, the Oscars are surprisingly backward on this. They either need to get with the multicultural or just become American movie awards.

Best Adapted Screenplay

• The Men Who Stare at Goats
• The Stoning of Soraya M.

Best Original Screenplay

• Quentin Tarantino, Inglourious Basterds
• Tom McCarthy, Up

Greatest Social Importance

• The Stoning of Soraya M.
• Precious

Best Animation

• Up
• Coraline
• District 9

Best Art Direction

• 9 (The animated one, not the overbaked musical ham)
• Where the Wild Things Are

Best Cinematography

• Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
• Inglourious Basterds
• The Hurt Locker

Best Sound

• Inglourious Basterds
• Star Trek
• Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Best Original Music

• Hans Zimmer, Sherlock Holmes

Michael Giacchino, Up

Best Soundtrack, non-Original Music

• Watchmen

Best Costuming

• Sherlock Holmes
• Watchmen
• Public Enemies
• The Young Victoria

Best Makeup

• Star Trek

Best Visual Effects

• District 9
• Star Trek
• Watchmen

Most Disappointing Visual Effects

• Terminator Salvation
• G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
• Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Kill it With Fire

• The Twilight Saga: New Moon
• 17 Again
• Hannah Montana: The Movie
• Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience

Best Fun

• Race to Witch Mountain
• I Love You, Man
• The Hangover
• Sherlock Holmes

Lousiest Attempt at a Non-Native Dialect

• Liam Neeson, Taken

We are SO Over It

• Capitalism: A Love Story
• Brüno
• I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

Tackiest Effort to Make a Movie that Wins an Award for Something

• Nine (the overbaked musical ham, not the animated one)
• 2012
• Amelia
• Avatar