That was probably six months ago, and I didn’t get around to actually seeing it until it showed up as being available for streaming on Netflix. I’m not wasting a real DVD rental on that. I’ve got a queue of almost 100 movies to work through as it is.

All I’ve got to say is that it makes Spice World look like Citizen Kane.

Need to introduce a new pet? Here’s an el-cheapo toy you can crochet in about an hour that will allow your cats (or a cat and a puppy) to play together on opposite sides of a closed door:

[insert inappropriate joke about the appearance of the toy here]

Pick out a natural fiber yarn. Organic and naturally dyed wool or cotton is best. If your cat chews on the toy and swallows some it’s just better for it only to be not covered in chemicals. You will not need much. 1/4 of a normal size skein will be plenty. I used some naturally dyed organic wool that I picked up when I was on vacation in Ireland. If you can’t make it all the way to Doolin, just ask some hippies where you can find organic natural fiber yarn and they’ll help you out.

The next thing you will need are two sturdy plastic jingle balls. The plastic lattice will still give a very satisfying jingle even after it’s covered in yarn, and you need something sturdy enough to withstand being smashed up against a door. I found a four pack of 1 1/2 inch diameter ball toys at PetCo for less than two dollars. This pattern will be for 1 1/2 inch toys. If you have larger or smaller toys you’ll need to vary the pattern accordingly.

Let’s get started, shall we?

• Round 1: Take a size G crochet hook (larger or smaller depending on how tightly you crochet) and ch 2. Put 6 sc in the first ch.
• Round 2: 2 sc in each st. There are 12 sts in the round.
• Round 3: 1 sc in the next st. 2 sc in the next st. Repeat that five more times. There are 18 sts in the round.
• Round 4: 1 sc in the next 2 sts, 2 sc in the next sts. Repeat that five more times. There are 24 sts in the round.
• Round 5: 1 st in each st. There are 24 sts in the round. Take the ball and check to make sure that this row sits like the equator around the middle circumference of the toy. If it does, great. If you need to adjust for size, this is where you do it by adding or taking away rows and stitches.
• Round 6: Pull up a loop in each of the next 2 sts. Close them together. 1 sc in the next 2 st. Repeat that five times. There are 18 sts in the round now. Take the ball and put it inside the cover. Crocheting will get a little awkward from here, but you’ve got to close the cover around the ball.
• Round 7: 1 sc in the next st. Pull up a loop in each of the next 2 sts. Close them together. Repeat five times. There are now 12 sts in the row.
• Round 8: Pull up a loop in each of the next 2 sts. Close them together. Repeat five times. There are now 6 sts in the row.
• Round 9: Pull up a loop in each of the next 3 sts. Close them together. Repeat. The cover should have the ball completely enclosed.

Pull a loop of yarn through the last empty sc and chain it through the loop on your hook. Ch as many sts as you like to make the length of yarn that will connect the toys under the door. If you are making this toy for a puppy or two particularly strong cats, I’d recommend single crocheting back down the chain, attaching it to the ball cover, and single crocheting the chain and sc rows together on your way back up. This will put three rows of yarn, rather than one, and will make this toy last longer than ten seconds. After you’ve reached your desired chain length, put 6 sc in the first ch from your hook and repeat the ball cover pattern above. When you close up the top of the second cover, double knot it and work the loose end down into other stitches. Don’t cut it off short or the first time your pet bites it it will all unravel.

Put the toy under the door and laugh cruelly as your cats become confused at the magically moving toy, propelled by some unseen force.

Project 2: Vertical Space

So Loki started peeing on the rug after Ripley started hanging around. If these two are ever going to learn to share a room together, I’m going to need more vertical space. Cat trees are hideous massive heavy things covered in carpet, and the few good-looking ones online tend to be expensive. I already had a nice tall bookshelf but it was only accessible from one side, where a shorter bookshelf adjoined it. The cats also like sitting on the furniture but there wasn’t anywhere comfortable above the furniture for them to sit on and stare condescendingly at the pitiful underlings below them. So I decided to make a platform/tunnel behind the couch and some shelves to reach the inaccessible side of the tall bookcase:

Ripley demonstrating that she is now better than me because she is up higher

Materials:

• Four shelves at $9.99 each
• six brackets rated to support 33 pounds at 49 cents each
• a shelf for $29.99
• four table legs at $3.50 each
• Some non-slip shelf liner was already laying around the house, but it’s about five bucks at a hardware store if you don’t have any.
• You’ll also need a tube of superglue with a very small tip.

So for less than $75 I have the stuff to make a non-hideous way for Ripley to escape Loki, who still thinks she is a trampoline. Get out your power drill. If you don’t have one, find one or you’ll hate yourself for doing this. No, not that wimpy one. At least 14.4 volts.

To make a place for your kittehs to sit or hide under, pull your couch out from the wall. Ikea’s longer Lack shelf was about the same length as my couch (sweet). The height of the shelf with four Vika Curry table legs was about the same height as my couch (sweet.) Let’s hear it for Scandinavian design. Ikea’s a good option for DIY projects. Some combination of shelves, brackets and such could provide a play tunnel and platform for kittehs (and a place to leave your drink) behind your couch.

I used the drill to attach the Vika Curry legs to the underside of the shelf and found myself with a thin table that made the room look a little nicer. Win! Loki instantly leaped up to strut up and down his new stage, glaring at us as if to say, “YARR ME HEARTIES, I BE CAPTAIN LOKI AND IF YE WANT TO BE ON ME CREW, YE’LL HAVE TO LOOK UP TO ME.” He then explored the tunnel as if it were Black Bart’s Cave at Casa Bonita.

And now for the smaller shelves, used as steps to help your kitteh get to where they’d like to look down at you from. First off, don’t try this if you don’t have thick enough walls or enough studs in the wall to be sure that your fat cat won’t rip the shelf down by stepping on it. Next, use screws that are at least three inches long (I used four inch screws) to anchor these shelves. Do it right or it will all end in a vet bill and spackle.

Get out a tube of superglue. Cut nonslip liner to fit the top of the shelf. Put tiny dots of superglue in many places on one side of the nonslip liner. Press it down on the top of the shelf and let it dry. Take your drill and attach the brackets to the bottom of the shelves. I made my own markings about 1.5 inches in because these shelves were originally meant to float invisibly and support just a couple of pounds. By adding the brackets I made them safe for the kittehs to jump on. Space your shelves as you please. If you really wanted to get crazy you could build a whole network of them across your wall. I needed three to make comfortable steps up to the top of the bookcase a few feet away. Use a level to mark where the first two screws go, which the shelf itself will hang on. Once the shelves are in place, use the drill to secure the lower part of the brackets firmly to the wall. With six screws anchoring the shelf to the nice thick wall, even if they aren’t all in studs they won’t be going anywhere. Don’t skimp. Overestimate the load these shelves will have to bear, because when your cat leaps down onto them they will hit with a force greater than their actual weight.

Fun Science Fact: Force equals mass times velocity.

Loki is chasing Ripley. Ripley leaps up onto a large bookshelf to escape, but Loki momentarily forgets that he sucks at climbing and follows her up. Ripley leaps from the top shelf down twenty-five centimeters to the next shelf. Ripley weighs 4.5 kilograms. If N = (kg x m)/s², with how many Newtons of force did Ripley hit the shelf?

Where was I? Oh, yeah. Before you let kittehs climb all over these, be sure the nonslip liner is affixed firmly to the tops. If it doesn’t feel really affixed, peel it off and lock that baby down tight. Now enjoy your fabulous new paradise, where your cats can zip around like maniacs with ever more freedom, knocking down your drink the second you’re dumb enough to leave it on their playground.

Action Shot!!

Dear Stella,

Two of my friends just broke up. I don’t think they will be able to stay friends and I kind of have to pick a side. I’m not really sure which one is right and which one is wrong. Who should I stay friends with?

[name redacted]

Dear Redacted,

That sucks about your friends. Breaking up is painful enough, but it’s extra sucky when it disrupts your social circle. Without knowing the specifics, it’s hard to say who is “right” and who is “wrong.” Breakups are usually the result of both parties making mistakes, although sometimes one person makes the mistake that breaks them up, such as cheating, lying, or giving up. Usually you can stay friends with both people, but if it becomes evident that you’ll have to choose, here’s how I do it:

Whichever person talks more on the Internet about their ex is usually the person who messed it up, and is always the person who is more crazy, petty, and manipulative

There are *limited* exceptions to this rule, such as people who were abused and share their stories online as part of a healing or outreach process. But with normal breakups, that’s it. If I have to choose between two people, I’ll go with the person who has enough dignity not to drag other people into it by putting it online. I’ll choose the person who isn’t petty. The person who doesn’t make a bad situation much worse by saying nasty things (whether or not they are true). People who take cheap stabs at people they don’t like anymore are petty and untrustworthy. That person just might turn around and do it to you one day if you piss them off one day.

Good luck with your friends. Hopefully it will all blow over after a while and the worst of it will be a few awkward hellos at house parties. If not, STAY AWAY FROM THE CRAZY.