Taking a perfectly good Swedish movie that has done fantastically well in the international market and remaking it in the English language shows that movie executives believe that Americans are too dumb to want to watch a movie with subtitles. Well, okay, some Americans are too dumb to watch a movie with subtitles. In this case, those people wouldn’t matter because the Millennium Trilogy appeals to people interested in dark, complex, intelligent plots that get uncomfortably up close to serious social problems. People like that already watched all three of the Swedish-language flicks, and they don’t want to watch a sad remake made by people who believe that viewers aren’t smart enough to connect with a film that isn’t in their native language.

This is a constant problem with translation. The power of the original can become seriously compromised as works are taken out of their author’s original framework and remade into something for a different culture. In this case, the titles were softened and made sexy because in America, you have to use a woman’s body to sell pretty much anything. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is completely removed from the original, powerful message of the Swedish title: Men Who Hate Women. Lisbeth is not a girl in this book; she is twenty-four. If “Men Who Hate Women” was too controversial for the English language market, they could have at least not infantilized the main character by referring to her as a child. It’s easy to see where they got it from. The literal title of the second book was kept: Flickan som lekte med elden, or “The Girl Who Played with Fire.” However, in this case the title refers to the child Lisbeth and the plot delves into her early life and how it continues to affect her as an adult. The title works, but unfortunately it gave American publishers the idea of a “girl” and they ran with it. The last book, Luftslottet som sprängdes or “The Air Castle that Blew Up” was retitled The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets’ Nest.

Lisbeth Salander was written to represent everything that thousands of years of sexism has done to women: she has been abused, ignored, shot, raped, deprived of her rights, buried alive, blamed for crimes she did not commit, and then vilified for becoming exactly what her abusers sculpted her into. Yet despite that she overcomes it all to be vindicated with the help of men and women who work together to move on from the crimes of the past. Changing the title to focus on the skin of a mysterious woman rather than the central theme of the plot was the first mistake. I’m sure this was deliberate; Americans are much less comfortable with addressing gender inequality than Scandinavians.

It’s impossible that an English language version made so soon after the originals could have escaped being called a rip-off. Americans who are smart enough to find out about these books and appreciate their message were also smart enough to see the original Swedish films, which weren’t afraid to be potent, ambiguous, and challenging. American filmgoers that smart won’t be impressed with movie producers who think they need some kind of cultural mediation performed by Hollywood.

Just in case you’re still wondering if you should go check this one out, I’d just like to remind you that all three original films are on Netflix. And you won’t have to deal with teenagers on their mobiles if you stay away from the theater.

Cutscene: Ezio tries to turn on the charm to a hot babe, only to be told that he’s “adorable” and reminds the girl of her grandpa.
Race: Try to win a rooftop race at night without having to stop every five minutes to pee.
Side quest: Tell those darn kids to get off Ezio’s rooftop.
Handicap: If Ezio climbs for more than a certain number of seconds, his arthritis acts up and he must descend to spend the next 15 minutes complaining to the apothecary about his medical issues.
Sidequest: Ditch the horde of women chasing after you with their lawyers attempting to press paternity suits.
Unlockable Item: A utility belt that also provides good lumbar support.
Side Battle: Beat up a young whippersnapper for making fun of guys who used to have to fight without explosives.
Cutscene: Ezio walks around town smiling and waltzing with hot babes after getting a little blue flask from the apothecary.

Just sayin’.

• Awesome graphics
• Gorgeous attention to detail in textures and shading
• Good character development
• No wasting time with boring lengthy cutscenes
• Hunt for Joker trophies is less stupid this time
• The more open world format makes the game less linear and more fun

Things I did not expect:

• Lots and lots of sexist language (so far every female character has been referred to as a bitch and/or had her attractiveness and intelligence rated by male characters)
• Prisoners telling Bruce Wayne they intend to rape him
• Harley Quinn telling Batman that Joker is too busy masturbating to come talk to him
• Thugs joking frat-boy style that Catwoman is bisexual
• Lots of swearing, which is out of character for a Batman game
• Alfred is back in the same old personality-free British stereotype. Boooo-ring.
• The absence of Oracle as an awesome female character

Jeez, DC. I wanted you to take the story and excitement up a notch. Was the team behind this game spending too many of their evenings watching online porn? The visual setting of the game makes it gritty enough. For the Batman franchise, topping the awesome gameplay experience that was Arkham Asylum didn’t require sexual violence, denigrating women, and pointless profanity. Here’s hoping it improves.

Graham Chapman as Arthur Dent
Eric Idle as Ford Prefect
Terry Jones as Mr. L. Prosser
Terry Jones as the Barman of the Horse and Groom
John Cleese as Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz
Terry Jones as Marvin the Paranoid Android
Michael Palin as Zaphod Beeblebrox
Carol Cleveland as Trillian
Eric Idle as Phouchg
Michael Palin as Loonquawl
Terry Jones as Deep Thought
John Cleese as Slartibartfast
Terry Gilliam as Franky Mouse
Michael Palin as Benjy Mouse
And Carol Cleveland as the voice of The Book

And yet it’s never to be . . . BELGIUM.