21 Nov 11

Quests for Old Ezio

Now that the main character in Assassin’s Creed: Revelations is like, old and stuff, they really should have included some content that addressed the realities of this issue better, such as:

Cutscene: Ezio tries to turn on the charm to a hot babe, only to be told that he’s “adorable” and reminds the girl of her grandpa.
Race: Try to win a rooftop race at night without having to stop every five minutes to pee.
Side quest: Tell those darn kids to get off Ezio’s rooftop.
Handicap: If Ezio climbs for more than a certain number of seconds, his arthritis acts up and he must descend to spend the next 15 minutes complaining to the apothecary about his medical issues.
Sidequest: Ditch the horde of women chasing after you with their lawyers attempting to press paternity suits.
Unlockable Item: A utility belt that also provides good lumbar support.
Side Battle: Beat up a young whippersnapper for making fun of guys who used to have to fight without explosives.
Cutscene: Ezio walks around town smiling and waltzing with hot babes after getting a little blue flask from the apothecary.