We’ve all seen the OldSpice ads that satirize/glorify/both over-the-top marketing to heterosexual males, which made me wonder “what do marketing people think dudes want?” For research purposes, I stole this body wash from my boyfriend’s shower supply and had a look. Let’s see why Dial For Men is for men.

1. Container resembles bottle of motor oil
2. Logo looks like sniper scope
3. Name of product sounds like film starring Dolph Lundgren
4. Contains exact same soap product as female body wash, but smells like toilet cleaner so will never be mistaken for female body wash, because being female is a bad thing.
5. Product description must include “Ultimate” “Xtreme” or “Technology”
6. Color scheme is hideous yet vaguely reminiscent of hot rod
7. 16 oz — the same amount as a pint of beer!
8. Makes taking a shower sound like going to the moon

The back of the label is the best. This product promises that it “Removes odors and cleans deeply,” which is good because every man is a lumberjack and will need something nearly as powerful as dynamite to blast away the mud that cakes his form in Schwarzenegger-type glory, allowing him access to his manly beard which he shall beat down using a chainsaw and a belt sander before the overwhelming scent of his own testosterone turns every lesbian straight. And there is also a poetic side: a lengthy allegory using language of power tools reads “Non-Drying Formula engineered with the right balance of skin conditioners.” And that does not, under any circumstances, mean “moisturizer.”

Literally nowhere else in this universe is something specified to be “for men” unless it’s a product traditionally marketed to women. Clearly, it’s very important that men know just how important it is to wash away the dirt with a rich lather bearing the rugged and unforgiving scent of toilet water. After all, enjoying a sudsy experience is for girls and sissies.