I keep seeing things on the news about tea parties. I don’t understand what these people think they are up to. These alleged tea parties involve loud crowds, chanting, picket signs, and something about keeping the change. They are über confused about what a tea party is. So all of you out there having tea parties today, listen up, because ur doing it wrong.

First off: dress. Wear a nice hat. This shows respect for the host. It can range from fabulously feathered froofiness to a simple yet sassy cap, but no matter what, take advantage of the tea party as an opportunity to kick it up a notch fashion-wise. Some people just don’t get it, like this guy:

Do not show up at a tea party dressed like a pirate.
Even Captain Hook would agree it’s bad form.

Second: location. You don’t have to be Emily Post to know that you can’t have a tea party if you’re stomping around in the middle of the street. Also, holding a sign makes it totally difficult to pass the sugar. You will spill your tea, and the jam won’t stay on your scone. It’s okay to have a tea party outdoors, but you really need to sit down at a table.

Third: guest list. The tea parties they keep showing on TV have way too many people at them. Intimate conversation is kind of difficult when a few thousand people are all trying to squeeze into the same party. Less is more, dudes. Plus, it looks like some people are all sour grapes over not being invited, so they’re sneaking into the tea parties and acting like asshats. Limiting your guest list = easier to spot crashers.

Four: anger. You can totally be the kind of person who is super opinionated and get all angry because someone is wrong on the Internet, but when you go to a tea party, you are supposed to be nice and only talk about how tasty the snacks are. But all these fakey tea parties are full of angry people. Seriously, folks, if you can’t say something nice, fill your mouth with blueberry bread.

Fifth (and biggest) problem: I don’t see tea anywhere. No tea, no scones, no jam, no cucumber sandwiches, no petit fours. WTF, guys? Lots of people are walking around with tea bags, which is a sad reflection on Americans’ understanding of how to make a nice cup of tea. Like, check out this chick:

Tea goes into pots of boiling water,
NOT on hats made from the dead carcasses of Muppets.

Educate yourself. It isn’t hard to make tea, and nothing cures anger like a nice currant scone slathered in clotted cream and strawberry jam.