My self-punishing effort to get through the Twilight is moving along, but not without taking its toll. If I didn’t have my new cat Loki to cheer me up, these books would land me in such a pit of despair that I probably would have reprogrammed myself so that I didn’t know how to read. On the train this morning I almost threw my laptop out of the window when I got to the part in the pirated PDF of book three where Bella is pinned down and kissed against her will and her dad congratulates the guy. So I’ve decided to give myself a Twilight reprieve this weekend and have fun thinking about the awesome movies on their way. We’ve got to put up with A Nightmare on Elm Street clogging our advertising arteries for a few more days, but after that, let the awesome begin:

May 7: Iron Man 2

Jon Favreau has finally hit his stride as a filmmaker, realizing that while he’s middling in front of the camera, he kicks ass behind it. As long as Scarlett Johanssen proves she can do more than stand around with soft focus on her great rack and pouty lips, this will take a well-deserved spot on my DVD shelf.

June 18: Toy Story 3

Pixar has yet to make a bad flick, and the Toy Story franchise has had by far the most meaningful and touching characters and story arcs. It will be nice to see Tim Allen working again too. As Buzz Lightyear he owns, and it almost makes up for the rest of the schlock in his career, Galaxy Quest accepted.

June 30: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

This movie won’t be awesome. I just wanted to list it prominently here so that I can remember to book a vacation in a third world country with no movie theaters on this date. Let me know if you’d like to join me.

July 9: Predators

At first I was gonna wait for Netflix after being duped into seeing Alien vs. Predator, but with Adrien Brody in the lead role, I’m going to the theater.

July 23: Ramona and Beezus

I want to see this purely so Beverly Cleary can reap in some well-deserved residuals. I’m skeptical as to whether or not it will be handled properly, as it’s being directed by a noob whose only working credit is Aquamarine and an episode of Gossip Girl. I suspect that Selena Gomez is unbelievably miscast and is sure to drip her High School Musical goo all over it, but I want to retain hope that this can bring some strong source material to life.

August 13: The Expendables

I don’t have to explain why I will see this movie a billion times and buy it on Blu-Ray. If you don’t understand why, watch the trailer over and over while you write “I will see The Expendables” 100 times.

August 13: Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

I think I’m pretty much going to spend August 13 in a movie theater, walking back and forth from this movie and The Expendables. Edgar Wright is exactly the sort of geeked-out, surrealist, comic-reading fanboy who can handle this one just right.

All in all, not as many good movies as last year, but the goodies that are in there are enough to make me happy. If you look at the rest of what’s on this summer, there are some particularly stanky turds excreting at a theater near you. I think the worst offender is gonna be Resident Evil: Afterlife. There might be a few movies that are worse in substance, such as Piranha 3-D, but you would think that by now somebody would have caught on to the fact that Milla Jovovich’s entire career is based on marrying crap film directors and getting them to cast her as the lead in crap films. I hope most of this summer’s releases pass from pop culture with less pain than your average bad burrito.

The one flick I can’t decide what to do with is Robin Hood. As a medievalist I feel compelled to witness every time Hollywood screws up rehashing Victorian ideas of what the Middle Ages were like. But since it just looks like Gladiator Goes to the Renaissance Faire, I’m not really sure if there’s a point. Way to go, Ridley Scott. I didn’t think you could make a movie lamer than Blade Runner, but it’s nice to see you dream big.

Sorry to end on a negative note. To make up for it, here’s Chris Hemsworth looking especially tasty in the first pic of him on the set of Thor:

I’ll be in my bunk.