To all those of you who are going to see the new Twilight movie (given the über non-epic title The Twilight Saga: New Moon) tonight, I say good riddance. For a few hours the streets will be clear of brain damaged fangirls who lust for hot abusive controlling a-hole boyfriends and live vicariously through stupidly outdated neo-Victorian fiction sexist gothic fiction.*

Gentlemen, tonight is the night to hit the bars, hit the clubs, and go on those blind dates. Because I guarantee you that all the crazy girls will be at the movies. Any females left out on the streets will be semi to completely normal. So get out there and use this as your pickup line:

“So you didn’t go to the movies to see Twilight, huh? You must be one of those smart ladies I keep hearing so much about.”

Bam. You’re in. She’ll at least give you a charitable laugh, if not let you talk to her for a few minutes. If she responds warmly to your joke, say something about how awful the Stupak Amendment is and I guarantee you’ll get digits.

As for me, I think it would be a great idea to walk around all weekend wearing my new shirt and see how many cat fights I can pick with Twihards without saying a single word:

* Why no, I didn’t like the Twilight series. How could you tell?