10 Aug 09

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

For show and tell today, here is my movie report.

In the 1600′s, Americans with very bad fake Scottish and French accents make each other angry. The fake Frenchie clamps a red hot iron hockey mask on the fake Scot, who for inexplicable reasons has an Irish surname (McCullen).

Four centuries later, McCullen’s descendant has honed his skills of having a bad fake Scottish accent. He’s also become a bajillionaire arms dealer at a company (MARS) building nanotechnology for NATO, but they’d also like to sell their tech back to terrorists. Instead of being smart like Pentagon contractors and charging twice as much for their goods so they can build some for themselves, they decide to steal back their nanotech missiles from Hero White Guy and Sidekick Black Dude, who have been assigned the job of delivering it to the U.S Government.

Hero White Guy’s ex-girlfriend leads the raid to steal the bombs, which makes Hero White Guy go OMFG! They used to go out and almost got hitched, but Ex-Girlfriend is now Evil, which means that she dyed her hair black and calls herself The Baroness. Hero White Guy and Sidekick Black Dude get their butts kicked and almost lose the missiles to The Baroness.

Enter G.I. Joe. In a brilliant stroke of political correctness, they are no longer Real American Heroes, but have branched out into token diversity by including a black Brit and a French-speaking Moroccan. But don’t worry, kids. This film won’t actually challenge stereotypes. White guys are still really in charge, all Asians are psychopathic ninjas, and female characters are safely marginalized with lots of tight leather, cleavage display, and minor parts as sexual sidekicks. The Joes save the day, and just for funsies, the Joes’ leader General Hawk bypasses all military protocol and lets Hero White Guy and Sidekick Black Dude join the Joes. Sidekick totally gets the hots for Hawt Nerd Girl With Big Hooters, but she plays it cool.

Then the movie re-enacts the opening scene of Team America: World Police, where the terrorists try to destroy Paris, but the American soldiers decide to wreck it first just to show that they can do it better. Stupid Frogs! Take that! Except this time it isn’t funny because Hero White Guy gets captured. Plus watching the Joes run around in their lame armor made me really sad that there won’t be a Halo movie. Because Mjolnir armor absolutely pwns the lame-ass gear the Joes are sporting.


McCullen takes Hero Guy back to his underwater Arctic base, where he shows even more that he didn’t need to steal the missiles, because he had about a bajilion dollars to build an enormous base beneath the polar ice cap. He also had plenty of nanobots left over to infect people’s brains and make them his zombie slaves. Pretty sweet, I have to admit. These mind control nanobots were invented by Michael Jackson’s undead corpse, who is the brother of The Baroness. Cobra gets ready to bomb everybody in the world because that’s how they roll.

As the Joes come to rescue Hero Guy and Stop The Evil Plan, McCullen manages to finally do something cool and doesn’t give away all the details of his Evil Plan like some kind of dumb Bond Villain. He sends Hero Guy to Michael Jackson to be zombified. Except this doesn’t happen because Michael Jackson blabbers on about the Evil Plan like a Bond Villain until the Joes come to the rescue and mess everything up. But not before Hero Guy learns that The Baroness is only evil because her brother infected her brain with nanobots! OMG! Won’t she be pissed when she wakes up from it and sees how many split ends all that black hair dye has caused!

The Joes get to the underwater base and there’s an Epic Battle like in a Michael Bay movie. Lots of things blow up and the two ninjas with a Childhood Vendetta battle it out until the evil guy is killed and Vengeance Is Served. The Cobra people decide to blow up their base because they are going to lose. Everything is On Fire and McCullen gets his face burned. Fulfilling His Fate, he gets a silver mask just like his great-grandpappy. Hero Guy goes “oh noes! Somebody set us up the bomb!” Sidekick Black Dude finally impresses Hawt Nerd Girl and she gives him a kissy so he can fly the plane good and Stop The Bombs. She helps him fly the plane because its controls only understand Celtic, and she happens to speak Celtic which is Super Impressive because that’s not even a real language. Wowie!

Because The Baroness loves Hero Guy deep down, she shakes free from the mind controlling nanobots. She saves Hero Guy and then he saves her. Aww <3 <3 <3!! They escape in a submarine and chase down Michael Jackson and McCullen, who Go To Jail. The same company that made Magneto’s plexiglass prison makes some metal dreidls to store the Cobra guys in, but Hero Guy goes to visit The Baroness because they are in l-u-v. She had to go to jail even though now she is only Sort Of Evil because her hair is still black, but she wears it in a ponytail which is More Fun. The day is saved! Except Cobra totally replaced the President with a Faker Spy Guy. Oops lolz! THE END