Having watched so many old movies over the last two weeks and having been made to squeal like a three year old during the Transformers 2 preview I saw during the Superbowl, I decided to look ahead and see what was coming up. If anyone would like to join me at the theater, let me know. You’ll be issued a movie bingo card that can be redeemed for exciting prizes.

February 6 – He’s Just Not That Into You. Priority: I will kill you if you ask me to watch this. The book was brilliant. But the cast scares me (I am allergic to Jennifer Anniston), and the writing-directing-producing combo is the Hollywood equivalent of second rate community theater. Bleah. I’m just not that into this.

February 6 – Fanboys. Priority: Medium. Geeked out, cosplaying, convention attending terminal virgins are a never ending font of joy. Nothing like capitalizing on the social awkwardness of others for my entertainment.

February 6 – Coraline. Priority: High. The book is one of Neil Gaiman’s best bits of writing and I’m hoping the script for this one can atone for the crimes of Beowulf. The visual style looks eye-popping. My one regret is its translation to an American setting. If there is no justifiable reason to translate the cultural setting, don’t do it. The Britishisms in the novel were some of the funniest bits and taking them out will hurt the story’s flavor.

February 13 – Confessions of a Shopaholic. Priority: No no no no NO NO NO. This cinematic turd is going to be the painful Friday-the-Thirteenth experience that evil girlfriends everywhere drag their helpless boyfriends to. Ladies, if you love your man, treat him right. Don’t make him sit through this to prove his love.

March 13 – Race to Witch Mountain. Priority: Medium. Some people instantly brush off family fare as worthless. But I have a feeling this one will be worth seeing — one of those quirky movies that surprises you with how fun it is.

March 27 – Monsters vs. Aliens. Priority: Blargh. Dreamworks has been trying to muscle in on Pixar’s territory for years, but they have yet to learn that hyperactive animation and celebrity voicing can’t compensate for piss-poor visual design, uninteresting characters, and bad stories. The preview during halftime of the Superbowl told me enough: The concept is promising, but the execution will blow.

April 10 – The Hannah Montana Movie and Dragonball. Priority: No. I don’t want to see these movies. I just noted them here in case anybody was planning on kidnapping and torturing me for information and wanted to know what the key piece of leverage would be. Threaten me with these movies, and I’ll tell you what you want to know.

April 24 – The Soloist. Priority: Verrrrrry interesting . . . This looks like it may be yet another gem coming from Robert Downey, Jr.’s illustrious return to sobriety and artistic genius. Add Jamie Foxx and it just gets better. I’ve heard literally nothing about this movie, but the tagline and cast have me intrigued. This will be one of those smaller, quieter, artsy Oscar winners.

May 1 – X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Priority: High. The last X-Men movie made me wish I’d watched Pokémon instead, so it can only go back up from there. Jackman was always the best part of the franchise and he was made to play Wolverine. ++ for adding Liev Schreiber to the cast.

May 8 – Star Trek. Priority: Low. J.J. Abrams proved that he’s much better at making movies when he’s forced to focus by a limited timeframe (Cloverfield was a lot more satisfying than Lost or Alias, both of which unraveled and fizzled in season 2.) Lots of eye candy, but I’m afraid this one will pull a George Lucas and overdo it on CG special effects at the expense of acting and storytelling.

May 15 – Angels and Demons. Priority: Low. I thought this book was much better in terms of plot, characterization, storytelling, and execution than Dan Brown’s better known sequel, The Da Vinci Code. It should also translate to film much better.

May 22 – Terminator: Salvation. Priority: Absolute maximum must see is there a midnight show yes please. The term “teaser trailer” took on an entirely new meaning for me when I saw that Christian Bale was playing John Connor. This movie will count as pornography in my book, so be ye forewarned if you join me at the theater.

May 22 – Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian. Priority: Medium. The first one was really clever and a lot of fun. Family films that aren’t dumbed down or painful for adults to watch are getting very rare. Family films that truly entertain for all ages are even rarer. I’m hoping the sequel will live up to the original.

May 29 – Up. Priority: Meh. Pixar has yet to make a bad film. But I’m having trouble getting excited about an old dude and a fat cub scout traveling the world in a house powered by helium balloons.

June 5 – Land of the Lost. Priority: No, thanks. I’m confused/wtf. I haven’t got any idea of what they are trying to do here. Land of the Lost has been out of the cultural vernacular for far too long to be worth satirizing. People just won’t get it.

June 19 – The Year One. Priority: High. Oh yeah. Hellz yeah. This looks like it will occupy a worthy spot next to Life of Brian. Can’t wait for this. Michael Cera’s deadpan will pair up with Jack Black’s slapstick like beer with pizza.

All in all, this spring looks like it will have some good offerings. All of which build up to the summer movie: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. The robots are bigger. They are nastier. They have better cannons. I look forward to ten times the destruction and mayhem that I was treated to two years ago. And if Terminator: Salvation is roboporn, slap a triple X on this bad boy. Mmmm, Optimus. Come on home to momma. It’s been too long, baby.