Normally I don’t take much interest in human history, but this is awesome. So you’re an ancient Celtic priest who kicks the bucket. What do you get buried with? Makeup, toys, and weed. Oh, and your little sister. Though I don’t know what’s more gross; digging up dead people or digging up dead people to put pictures of it online. Maybe archaeologists are just looking for a way to mask their twisted desires for necrophiliac Internet pr0n.

The scientists who unearthed the “shaman” initially thought that pungent green stuff in the bowls buried with him was coriander. They had to use genetic testing to identify the cannabis, proving yet again that scientists are big fat nerds who never got asked to hang with the cool kids in college. Discovery news mused, “The scientists are unsure if the marijuana was grown for more spiritual or medical purposes, but it’s evident that the blue-eyed man was buried with a lot of it.” They also insisted that nobody could feel the effects today due to 2,700 years of decomposition. I bet they didn’t even try to find out. Only a raging nerd would find a guy with enough Mary Jane to fuel a Grateful Dead concert and think “well, of course, this must have been for religious purposes.” So I guess the difference between being a stoner and a spiritual leader is just being dead for a few millenia.

These archaeologists need a smack upside the head. I just borrowed our time machine for a quick blast to the past to find this guy and prove to myself that I was right. The specs were easy. 45 year old Caucasian male, blue eyes, member of the Gushi tribe, speaks Tocharian . . . bam. There he was. Here’s the image capture:

Holy crap! As it turns out, this guy wasn’t even from the Gobi Desert. Turns out the first Woodstock wasn’t in New York. Guess what nerds? SCIENCE FAIL. You didn’t find a shaman. You found an Iron Age Jimmy Buffet Fan.