Just throwing it out there. I’ve seen my geek coworkers put drinks away like they were going out of style. I’ve seen them get plowed. But I’ve never seen them get sick. If they do, they have the decency to take care of that someplace where nobody can see them.

But nerds? Oh no. Nerds are a whole different story. I went to a big holiday dinner party for Tav’s work last night, complete with an open bar. Good times. Afterwards a bunch of us were invited to go on to some other girl’s house to keep hanging out.

We pulled up at 11:00 and found some girl puking in the driveway. Yummy. So the hostess tried to get her inside, but she didn’t quite make it. She fell down on the porch and threw up again, then started whimpering pretty loudly.

Normally I’m the type to reach out and help a person in need, but I have basically no sympathy for people who get themselves in that condition. Nobody made her drink that much, and by turning into the whimpering floppy fire hose of vomit, she made herself an inconvenience and a liability. The entire entrance to the house smelled like bile, and our hostess’ shoes had to be discarded. They washed her off as well as they could and then lifted her up and carried her into the house. Her head smacked against the door jamb as they brought her in, and the strapless tube dress she was wearing kept creeping lower as she was nothing but dead weight against the fabric. By the time they got her into the hall bathroom so she could resume her colorful evacuation, I’d seen a lot more of her than I cared to. They left her in a safe position and went to clean the floor in the hall.

The hostess was much kinder than I would have been. If you ever get in that state around me the most I will do for you is put you on your stomach so you won’t choke to death. But I will not hold your hair, stroke your forehead, or allow you to vomit on any part of me, my clothing, or my house.

The last time I saw the girl was when someone who arrived later on opened the bathroom door to use it. She was naked from the waist up and her face was in the position that somebody’s rear end normally is on the toilet. The guy shut the door and turned green, having seen and smelled more of his coworker than he ever wanted to.

That was the real highlight of the evening. There was also the guy who was sitting quietly enough on the couch until he just leaned forward and chowdered right on the floor. Bleck. When the third guy puked I told Tav it was time to go.

I felt terrible for the hostess, who seemed like a really nice girl, and the many other guests who didn’t behave like that. I hope we all get to meet again under considerably less moist conditions.

Here’s the real part of the cautionary tale. It’s bad enough that these people got themselves completely trashed in front of their coworkers. It’s bad enough that they got sick, and they probably have raging hangovers at this moment. That is, if they’re not still unconscious. The real cautionary tale is that if you get yourself in such a state, you are That Guy. (Or in this case, That Girl.) Nobody should be That Guy but still, at every party, That Guy ends up being there. It’s rude, selfish, and very lame to make yourself a liability. When people have to stop having fun to attend to a condition you deliberately put yourself in, you are the Anti-Party. I could have stayed much later and had a great time and gotten to know people. But I shouldn’t have to fight my gag reflex to be able to have nice conversation.

So what have we learned today, kids? If you can’t handle alcohol, don’t drink. If you don’t know your limits, don’t push them. And for goodness sake don’t ever, ever wreck a party I’m at because you’ve got to make like The Exorcist.