The Large Hadron Collider has raised some interesting questions. What are the limits of science? Do researchers have the right to conduct experiments that could theoretically negate all existence? Is creating black holes, however tiny, an environmental risk that people have the right to stop?

The answer? Who cares?? If the world ends, you won’t know because you won’t exist. In honor of our collective impending doom less than 10 hours from now, I present for your reading pleasure the top 10 Epic Apocalyptic Fails.

1. Ragnarök. It’s too bad this one didn’t end the world, because it’s by far the coolest method of extinction imaginable. Now all it’s good for is entertaining big fat MMO nerds and their yet nerdier counterparts, LARPers. FAIL.

2. Y1K. Oh yes! A millenium before Y2K we had Y1K! In fact, this nice arbitrary number was so convincing that popular legend holds that King Otto III had Charlemagne’s body exhumed on Pentecost in the year 1000. Spurred on by the horrific sight of Halley’s comet in 989, old Otto believed that his grandpappy (who was buried sitting on a throne in full regalia) would spring back to life, slay the Antichrist, and forestall the apocalypse. It didn’t happen, so Otto took some of his jewelry. Unlike MMO characters, medieval emperors don’t respawn in the graveyard. FAIL.

3. Nostradamus. Allegedly the clock was ticking and in 1999 our number was up according to this 16th century Frog. But while lots of his predictions either didn’t come true or just don’t make sense at all, he’s really proven his long-term worth by selling the hell out of The Weekly World news. ALCHEMY FAIL.

4. Martin Luther. Didn’t you know? The Protestant Reformation was a sign of the presence of the coming apocalypse. Cardinal Caesar Baronius pleaded with the Holy Roman Emperor: “Magnificent Emperor Charles, Christian nobles, devoted to Christ, how long are you going to suffer the devil’s voice of the papal Antichrist?” Oops. Too bad. The world didn’t end, although thanks to Protestantism we now have Christian Rock, which is much worse. SCHISM FAIL.

5. Nukes. This was a big one during the cold war, but it proved one thing about human stupidity: while humans are dumb enough to make nukes, they’re not dumb enough to fire them. Well, maybe. RED BUTTON FAIL.

6. Asteroids. Sure, the impact of a big sucker straight outta the Kuiper Belt would leave us pretty much hosed, but the odds of the #1 most likely asteroid hitting the Earth in 2019 are only 200,000 to 1. You are more likely to bowl 300 in a game (11,500 to 1), speak the Cherokee language (15000 to 1), or slip to your death in the shower (2,232 to 1) than get killed by a giant asteroid. However, you are way less likely to drown in a bathtub (685,000 to 1) so you may want to get practicing with this handy training tool. EPIC DEATH FAIL.

7. Y2K. I was so convinced that this one would be rubbish that I stayed home from a party just so I could surf online to see if my computer would burst into flames, sprout horns and fangs, and ram its ovipositor down my throat. Instead, I bought a lovely hat on eBay. Yup. Right at midnight. INTARWEBZ HOLOCAUST FAIL.

8. The Book of Revelation. If you take a literal interpretation of the Bible, the Earth is now 6,008 years old and the opening of the Seventh Seal is somewhat tardy. By now we should have had The Four Horsemen, the Battle of Armageddon, and some loud brass music. Instead, my lovely hat showed up in the mail. 1337 HAT FTW!

9. Global Warming. I’d like to clarify something; Global Warming could not cause the world to end. It can wipe out biological life, including humans, which is the only reason humans give a crap about it. Get over yourselves, you homo sapiens centrists. SEMANTICS FAIL.

10. 2012. Apparently the Aztec Calendar says the world is going to end in 2012. Well, forgive my skepticism, but I don’t lend much credence to deities who tell their people to follow a hummingbird to their shiny new capital in the middle of a lake (not next to, IN the lake) and then have them say thank you by cutting out some poor sap’s still-beating heart and feeding his guts to the pets in the royal zoo. HUMAN SACRIFICE FAIL.

Anyway . . . at midnight tonight Pacific time, check your watch. If it clicks over to 12:01 and you’re still here, we can keep up the hope that the Aztecs were right.