22 Aug 08

The True Gay Agenda!

Now we see what those sneaky gay rights activists are up to . . . they’re after the straights’ wedding decorations! Today Hallmark unveiled its new gay wedding cards! Oh noes! As you can see, they are part of the creeping agenda that threatens heterosexal marriage everywhere; it isn’t enough to attack marriage itself (after all, if gays marry pretty soon all straight people will be tempted to go gay too, right?) but now they’ve got to come after weddings. I can just see it now . . .

Imagine a world where gays can plan their own weddings . . . there will be no teal satin bridesmaids’ gowns. Not one! Instead we’ll be plagued by tasteful sheath dresses from Versace, Prada, and Oscar de la Renta. Whether that bridesmaid is male, female, or transgender, they’ll look completely fabulous. And that’s a threat to good-looking heterosexual women everywhere who know that the only decent way to dress for a wedding is to wear the most unflattering and poorly cut gown your crazy bridezilla sister can find.

There will be no lace doilies. In a good, traditional wedding with good traditional heterosexuals, the sacred institution of unneccessary layers of lace on every object present (including dinner plates and photo frames) must be observed or traditional marriage is threatened. What on earth will happen to our society if all that lace is ripped from its sacred place and instead we see slick use of contemporary chrome, china, and steel?

What will we do when the dance floors are covered with people who feel they can ask anyone to dance, regardless of gender or sexual orientation? The very fabric of our society will be destroyed when staunch adherence to gender roles are broken down and a woman dances with a woman, or a man with a man. White males who can’t dance will no longer have a monopoly over the women, who will not feel obligated to dumb down their skills to accomodate their heterosexual lords and masters! Friends might actually enjoy themselves in mixed groups. What’s next? People dancing with their kitties and puppies?

We must work now to stop this phenomenon of homosexuals meddling in the sacred institution of heterosexual wedding cards. Like THIS example I have before me! Behold! It has a stylish color scheme, is splashed with hearts that are charming but not cutesey, and has the insidious words “Two Hearts, One Promise!” This is an outrage! This is a threat to civilization! This is — huh.

Huh.

Well, actually, this is a pretty cute card . . .

No more chit-chat, hoomans.