Every day I witness a massive tragedy occurring all around me, and nothing is being done to stop it. Mental handicaps are no laughing matter, and it’s time for me to speak up for those who can’t. All around us are thousands upon thousands of people suffering from severe impairment. Although they have a high level of cognitive function, they lack basic abilities in communication, empathy, social skills, and awareness. Their condition often goes overlooked or undiagnosed, and too often the help they get comes too late.

That’s right. I’m talking about coders. Just yesterday a coder friend of mine was attempting to decipher the bizarre behavior of a female acquaintance of his. Lately, she’s been talking to him for no apparent reason. She would go out of her way to ask him about his weekend plans. He was so perplexed! I’ve never even met this girl, but it took me all of five seconds to convey the astonishing truth: Code Monkey, she like you. He didn’t believe me. I told him to ask her out, and I’d stake ten bucks that she’d say yes. He said he wouldn’t do it, because I was wrong. This girl was just really strange and liked to talk to people for no reason.

That’s when it hit me: This coder was too stupid to deserve a date.

Coders are overwhelmingly nice, interesting people with well-rounded experience and bright intellects. Yet every now and then they exhibit that kind of social awkwardness that is so pervasive among coders that nobody ever calls it a stereotype. It’s not easy developing social acumen, especially if you have a highly abstract, theoretical mindset. But there’s the question of whether or not this condition is terminal. Can socially retarded coders be helped? Or is this disease congenital, degenerative, or autoimmune in nature and therefore beyond hope? There are many treatments for this condition. Soap is the simplest and most effective treatments for the basic symptoms of Terminal Geek, yet is often overlooked. Beyond that, it just requires a heightened level of common sense to combat the great plague of our day. Or just a harsh wakeup call.

Attention Code Monkeys:

• When someone walks up and asks, “Is this seat taken?” and lo and behold, the seat next to you is unoccupied and unspoken for, you say, “No. Have a seat.” You do not stare blankly. You do not say “I don’t know.” And you most certainly do not give that seat away to some other code monkey after they get up for a moment to throw something away. When you bring the ejected person their laptop saying, “You forgot this,” that expression before you is not gratitude.

• If you want to talk to someone, you need to have something to say. Walking up to a desk or circle of people and standing there saying nothing will have one of two results: nobody will notice you, or people will think you’re creepy. If all you manage is a “hello” and then you just stand there like a lump, you will make people think that you’re mentally handicapped. Talking doesn’t come easy for everyone — that’s understandable. So here’s a handy secret for those intimidated by conversation: just keep asking questions. People love to talk about themselves. By asking for elaboration on the details of a subject someone is talking about, you can come across as engaged, intelligent, and caring. Plus you don’t have to say much. Win-Win.

• If a female coworker can get you to do anything — even really crappy tasks — you are being exploited because she knows how to aim her pheromone torpedoes. Before consenting to picking up dry cleaning or reorganizing the supply cabinet, ask yourself the following: “Would I say yes if this request came from my guild buddy who considers his level 70 night elf druid the hottest girlfriend he’s ever had?”

• Showing genuine interest while engaging in conversation = smooth. Staring from across the room = STALKER. Please note the difference, or you will soon learn what a restraining order is.

• Please memorize the following phrase: “Wow, that sounds really fun. I’ve always wanted to do that.” This is what we call, in technical terms, an “opening.” If you hear these words and do not end up with a date, it is YOUR FAULT. Conversely, “Hey, sorry, I really need to get going” without something like “but we should talk again about this soon” immediately after means NO THANK YOU. Learn these handy phrases and watch your dignity as it isn’t torn to shreds!

• Having your friend invitation accepted on Facebook does not mean you “shared a moment there.”

More to come soon. But in the meantime, keep your hope up, coders. Someday we may find a cure . . . together.