There is a show with some British wanker on it that bugs me something fierce. Man vs. Wild is a show hosted by a guy named Bear Grylls. Seems like an awesome enough name, right? Bear. Grylls. Those are names that say he’s tough like a wild animal and crazy like a Welshman. Having a name almost as cool as Chuck Norris or Kurt Russell ought to buy this guy a lot of points in my book. But then you watch his show . . .

Yes, he climbs rocks and drinks pee. But it’s really hard to believe that this guy is actually locked in a cataclysmic battle against the forces of nature when he has a camera crew following him around lugging heavy and valuable equipment. He likes to pretend he’s really roughing it, but when the cameras snap off, the crew heads for a hotel. Man vs. Wild not only gets a resounding “meh” from me, but it gets all the dissatisfaction of an ornery American disgruntled by a pretentious Brit.

I can appreciate that it’s a TV show, and it’s fiction, and it’s meant as a visual survival manual, and all that PR stuff Channel 4 Productions prattled on with when the show’s fakey status was exposed. But come on. This clean-shaven Teddy Bear might be strong, and he might be crazy enough to drink urine and eat rainforest bugs, but I don’t believe he’s in survival mode when he has a camera crew with him and looks like his biggest concern is missing his next manicure apointment. Man Vs. Wild is a show for posers.

Now, Survivorman is my kind of dude. No camera crew. No fresh-from-the-tanning-salon looks. No trendy buzzed hair. Just a scruffy, down-home Canadian boy who goes out into realistic survival situations with hand held cameras and his finely honed Canuck skills. Legend has it that Stroud was raised by Sasquatch, who taught him the mighty ways of the Forest Eagle. His show focuses on realistic scenarios survivors would have to face, including the consequences of bad decisions. Homeboy knows how to build a snare for a rabbit, and then skin and barbecue the sucker. He doesn’t drink pee. He doesn’t need to drink at all. He’s Canadian.

When you are faced with the troublesome quandary of which survival-themed television program to watch– a crappy, fakey one by a glam prince too busy sipping tea on an embroidered cushion to get his hands dirty, or a mind-meltingly awesome one starring a true hardcore outdoorsman . . .

Oh, wait. That’s not a quandary. Just watch Survivorman.