You two sent me the nicest Valentine I ever got. Hands down. I haven’t always been a big fan of Valentine’s Day, because the like, two times anybody has tried to do something thoughtful for me, I end up inadvertently doing something to screw it up. Like calling the cops on a guy just trying to bring me flowers because I though he was a burglar. Or feeling like a jerk because I was given a gift of milk chocolates, and had to explain that while I was very pleased with the thoughtfulness of the gift, I couldn’t eat them because of a severe milk allergy. That guy took it so personally that he never called me again.

Valentine’s Day sucks. The candy is generally nasty. (Come on– do you really like the taste of conversation hearts??) It’s mainly used as an excuse for flagrant face-sucking by couples who need to get a room. Like most holidays, it’s been hijacked by businesses as an excuse to encourage consumerism. The long-stemmed roses we buy mainly come from pesticide-filled green houses inCentral America, where working conditions and pay are terrible. Those sparkling diamonds might have come from a conflict region, and the money spent on them might fund terrorists, drug dealers, or human trafficking.

Yes, I’m such a sappy girl. But honestly– it’s very difficult to not be cynical about how commercialized our holidays have gotten. President’s Day is now an opportunity to buy mattresses at 40% off, not honor great leaders who helped shape our democracy. The stress of buying Christmas presents often saps the joy out of the holiday season, and Thanksgiving Day football now consists more of commericals than gameplay.

It’s the simple gifts in life that make life worth living, and help me keep from sliding into helpless, bitter cynicism. The best, most thoughtful gifts I’ve ever received have been ones that didn’t cost a lot, but were funny and thoughtful and made me smile. Two good friends sent me the perfect Valentine this year. He’s the man of my dreams. Here he is:

That’s right. It’s Mr. Potato Head dressed up as Optimus Prime. What more could a girl ask? Decepticons beware. Because now I’ve got two, that’s right, count ‘em TWO Optimus Prime toys protecting my desk. The other was a gift from my friend Chris (who also clearly understands how demented I am). When I first received the Mr. Potato Head last week, I thought about just writing a regular thank you card, but that wouldn’t do. Such a special gift deserves a very special thank-you, so I decided to record for posterity the meeting of two great heroes.
At first, Optimus was curious to know who this odd newcomer was. He looked strangely familiar . . .

On closer inspection, it seemed that this little fellow was friendly. Optimus was relieved that he didn’t have to pummel the little spud with his energy sword.

Optimash pledged his loyalty to the Autobots showed his deference and goodwill by offering Optimus a cookie!

Optimus was so touched, he ran and baked a cookie for his new friend.

The two are now BFF! They spent all morning fighting evil at my desk. And eating cookies. Autobots! ROLL OUT FOR VALENTINE’S DAY!