I’m starting a fantasy politics league. Feel free to join as well. We can work out seeding and use some kind of GURP system to battle it out. The rules: pick a President, Vice President, and five cabinet positions to form your ultimate fighting team.

My dream Executive Branch:

President of the United States:	Optimus Prime
Vice President:	Cortana
Secretary of State:	John McClane (that’s McClane, NOT McCain . . .)
Secretary of Defense:	Master Chief
Attorney General:	Professor Xavier
Secretary of Education:	Steven Colbert
Secretary of Homeland Security:	King Leonidas of Sparta

Boo yeah! I’m putting the Execute back in Executive! And yes, I do realize that both my Prez and Veep are non-human, and one of them doesn’t even have a body to speak of. That was deliberate. I adhere to the political paradox that any person who wants to be involved in politics shouldn’t be trusted in the profession, and the only people worthy of rule don’t want to have anything to do with politics. So my solution is simple: Put robots in charge. Bam. Problem solved. You humans have some serious arrogance going on, what with your absolute trust in the arm of the flesh. It’s time to stop denigrating robots with all those stupid movies about how obsolete bioforms can fight off future robot attacks and accept our supremacy.

Optimus Prime is the perfect President: principled, powerful, and full of conviction. He possesses a remarkable degree of self-control, an understanding of when to act and when to refrain, and commands the respect and admiration of all around him. Plus he turns into a semi with flames painted on the fenders and has a giant energy sword perfect for decapitating evil. Who could ask for more in the leader of the free world?

Cortana makes the perfect second in command. Her approximate seven year life span makes her work within term limits, and she’s a perfect source of researched and distilled information, something a leader could never place too much value on. Her advice and abilities can make our man Prime even more awesome than he already is.

The rest of my choices should be self-explanatory; they are people who have tremendous expertise in their respective areas and know how to get stuff done. I think they’ll also be good at backing each other up. Colbert can get people to turn their judgment inward and laugh at their own folly by acting like a moron, but anybody truly disrespecting him will have no shortage of mean and ugly to deal with. Conversely, the total likability of the President, V.P., and Colbert balances out the somewhat more limited conversational abilities of the Master Chief and King Leonidas, who don’t have to address the public a lot anyway. We don’t have any direct quotes left from the ancient monarch of Sparta, but I’m guessing ancient Spartans were non-loquacious badasses just like their cyborg counterparts from the future.

Let’s devise a scenario to test the abilities of my team.

Scenario: Terrorists plant a giant bomb in New York City while the President is visiting town

(Yeah, I know. Typical. But check this exchange out.)

John McClane: (on the phone) Now you listen to me jerk-off, if you’re not a part of the solution, you’re a part of the problem. Quit being a part of the problem and put the other guy back on!
Optimus Prime: Any luck?
John McClane: Yeah. I just yelled at the terrorists and they started crying and told me the bomb is on basement level 2, by the elevator shaft. Yippie kay yay.
Cortana: Ah. It appears to be hardwired to the building’s climate controls. I can get to it through your comm system and disable it. Me. In your head now.
(The Master Chief pops Cortana’s data chip into his helmet)
Master Chief: She did it. How much time did we have?
Cortana: You don’t even want to know.
Professor X: I’ve paralyzed the terrorists and read them their Miranda Rights telepathically. They’re now being levitated to jail.
Optimus Prime: Good work, team. Master Chief, where are you going?
Master Chief: To give them back their bomb.
Leonidas: Spartan! Prepare for glory!
Steven Colbert: Wørd of the day: Victory. As in I achieved it.

OH YEAH! That’s a plan of effective plan of political action if ever I saw one. So come on. Join the campaign.

OPTIMUS PRIME ’08!