I was assaulted by the LaRouche Youth brigade again today. I see them about once a month near my office. Devoted disciples of presidential aspirant, conspiracy theorist, and anti-Semite Lyndon LaRouche, these kids take to the streets with propaganda and the kind of youthful enthusiasm that is so easily exploited by narcissistic megalomaniac felons. Mostly they don’t press you too hard, although they usually won’t let you leave without a pamphlet in hand. I always deposit it in the nearest rubbish bin when that happens. I don’t care if they see. I’m trying to get to work, jerk. Leave me alone.

Today, however, was a particularly bad collision between a very stressed, hungry, busy, and tired me and a pack of particularly rabid cult members. This is how the interaction went:

LaRouche Drone: Hi there! How are you today?
Me: Good.
LaRouche Drone: Would you mind giving me a few minutes of your time?
Me: (attempting to walk away) Yes.
LaRouche Drone: (blocking me with Drones #2 and #3) But we have some very important information for you.
Me: I have fifteen minutes to get lunch. I haven’t eaten anything yet today.
LaRouche Drone: That’s great. We’re just trying to collect signatures to recall Dick Cheney. Will you sign?
Me: No. Can you please move?
LaRouche Drone: We have some literature we’d like you to–
Me: (attempting to walk around them) No thank you.
LaRouche Drone: (blocking with drones) Dick Cheney has been involved in a massive conspiracy to–
Me: I don’t care.
LaRouche Drone: (taken aback) You don’t care?
Me: Nope.
LaRouche Drone: Why not?
Me: I hate the Bush Administration too. But your energy is wasted. Even if you collected enough signatures, by the time the impeachment and conviction process proceeded, Bush and Cheney would be out of office anyway.
LaRouche Drone: Uh . . . really?
Me: Yes. Spend five minutes and read up on Monica Lewinsky. I know you were like, six, when that happened, but it’s not hard to find.
LaRouche Drone: Well, we have some very important information we’d like you to–
Me: Don’t care.
LaRouche Drone: I’m sorry?
Me: I don’t care about what you have to say.
LaRouche Drone: But this is really important. There are so many lies that we’re un–
Me: I’d like you to think about something for a second.
LaRouche Drone: uncovering and–
Me: No, shut up.
LaRouche Drone: –you should just listen–
Me: Shut up for five seconds. I’d like you to take a look at where you are. What’s here? And do not say mindless slaves of the massive conspiracy led by the Queen of England’s drug cartel. What is right here?
LaRouche Drone: Uh . . . restaurants. An office building.
Me: So what are people here to do?
LaRouche Drone: Look, I get it–
Me: What are people here to do?
LaRouche Drone: Eat. Go to work.
Me: So basically, people are trying to take care of business or relax and enjoy themselves. Or just go shopping and try to get home. And you’re making them stop with their heavy groceries to force information on them without giving them an appropriate amount of time to think about it. You’re wasting people’s breaks and wrecking their meals.
LaRouche Drone: But what we have to say is–
Me: Do you know what an asshole is?
LaRouche Drone: I’m sorry?
Me: An asshole is someone who is inconsiderate toward others because they only care about themselves.
LaRouche Drone: Okay.
Me: (very gently, but seriously) You are an asshole. Please think about that for a second.
LaRouche Drone: This is a free speech zone.
Me: Oh absolutely! I don’t dispute that. I am a major advocate of the first amendment, which includes the right to be an asshole. And you and your friends here are assholes. So you can free speech all you want, but please do so with the full understanding of the consequences. Your particular application of free speech entails making other people’s days more difficult for them.

(a lengthy pause while I stare hard at the Drone and he fidgets uncomfortably)

Me: I don’t care about whether or not what you have to say is true. I just want to get lunch. I’m tired, I’m hungry, and I’m busy. You are showing no respect for me, so I don’t care about you or your brainwashing cause. You’re worse than telemarketers. I’m going to go into Trader Joe’s here and try to buy some food with the remaining . . . six minutes of my break. I do not want you or any of your friends to bother me on my way out. I’m hungry, stressed out, and cranky, and you will just piss me off. I will go from not caring about what you have to say to hating your guts. Okay?
LaRouche Drone: (petulant and sheepish) Have a nice day.

Bottom line: If what you have to say is really worthwhile, then you shouldn’t have to be a pushy jerk to get your point across. At least they left me alone on the way out of TJ’s . . .